Mother’s Day Weekend has passed again and as I sit in the after glow with my Monday morning coffee I am filled with an abundance of gratitude so acute it almost hurts. It is a special day for me, special because I have been in active duty now for 35 years. Plus 15 years as a grandmother. I wouldn’t trade a single day. Not even the stormy ones.

Yes, it’s true…I had an early start. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you hit a home run.

Although, I didn’t wake one day and say, “Gee…I think I’ll try being a sixteen year old mom, won’t that be a smart idea!”  I did learn more from that rocky road than all of the other hard knock classes I took put together.

I learned about unconditional love. I learned about commitment. I learned about priorities. (You learn about that sort of thing in the middle of the night with an asthmatic child who can’t breathe and you haven’t slept in three days.) I learned about money. I learned about not having any.

Yep…kids teach you everything. All of mine have taught me new things. My oldest, being the pioneer daughter, blazing the trail for the others, had it the hardest. She had to dig her way through the hardest clay, my skills as a parent, untried and alone for the most part. We experimented together. Frick and frack, figuring it out as we went along. We learned a lot together. The rest of them should send her Mother’s day cards.

When she was 16, she wrote a poem and gave it to me for Mother’s Day.

I appeared like lightning piercing the sky;
Greatly unexpected, a hindrance was I.
Washing away goals, changing dreams like the tide,
I crushed her youth the moment I arrived.

But her love flourished with each passing day,
As she accepted her life, the gift that I gave.
Our life was not charted, predicted, or planned;
We faced our troubles hand in hand.

They flooded our lives, right from the start,
But made us two people; stronger of heart.
She welcomed my presence for she did know,
That when a storm goes by, it leaves a rainbow.

 I CRIED……

But it was true. All of my children are exquisite rainbows with the most glorious colors in the universe.

I know that all of the mothers out there feel the same way about their rainbows too. So for mothers everywhere this weekend, I am sharing my gratitude for all of our children and for everything they have taught us, shown us and shared with us.

For the gift of being a mother.

Happy Mother’s Day Moms.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptkWYhX79N8]I have been blessed.

*Original post from 2008 updated to reflect current Mother’s Day Gratitude. I am grateful always.

Ever feel like  Annie from Little Orphan Annie?

“Stead of treated, we get tricked, stead of  kisses we get kicks…

Empty belly life, rotten smelly life, full of sorrow life, no tomorrow life…

Nobody loves me…”

It can feel like that when you are a student of the School of Hard Knocks.  I should know. I’ve gone there. In fact, I have a PhD. That’s right, I am a full-fledged graduate, majoring in F@$%@D IT UP TOO MANY TIMES TO COUNT.

That’s me, Doctor of Screw Ups. I did my dissertation on all the mistakes I ever made and what I learned from them. It was so long it blew up my computer.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Or at least what others call mistakes.

You could say it was a very expensive education.

But I can’t say I’m sorry. I’m not. I have very few regrets. I have gladly paid for my education at the School of Hard Knocks, with blood, sweat and tears, frustration and confusion, heartache- and heartbreak.

I bet you can say the same.

Funny thing about The School of Hard Knocks is we rarely realize we are enrolling while we are doing it. Later, we might be able to look back and say, “Oh yeah, took a wrong turn there…” But not always. Because not all mistakes look like mistakes.

It can be hard to tell, because if you learned a lesson from it, was it really a mistake? Perhaps it was just a learning experience. And…if you take a moment to think about it, can you think of an important lesson that you have ever learned that didn’t include a few hard knocks?

Graduating From The School Of  Hard Knocks

I know some people who seem perpetually doomed to repeat the same grade at the School of Hard Knocks over and over again.  They don’t move on to another class. They don’t graduate. It doesn’t matter if you talk to them daily, once a week or every ten years, the song remains the same. The people may have changed, but the stories in their lives are being played out with uncanny similarities. They are clueless. They shake their heads, they blame, they whine, they ask, “Why does this same crap always happen to me?”  Their lives are stuck on the ever-revolving doorway of Groundhog Day. They can’t move on to the next class.

Sadly, they probably haven’t even figured out that they are enrolled in school. They simply trudge through their miserable existence singing (or whining) about their hard-knock life to anyone who will listen.

It doesn’t have to be a Hard-Knock Life. There is a way out. Take a page from the Graduate’s Manual

Graduates don’t settle for their lot in life. They know they were created for something much, much better. They dare to step out of their situation and no matter how bad the current situation is, they take steps to move forward, even if it is an inch at a time.

Graduates learn from their “mistakes” and move on to make new mistakes. They understand that hard knocks and mistakes are the name of the game, but  they don’t stay stuck repeating the same ones over and over again. They climb up, they do  not go round and round. Once they have learned one class, they graduate from that one and move on.

Graduates don’t blame others. They take responsibility for the task of learning their lessons and wholeheartedly embrace the act of learning. They look at life through the lens of learning rather than the lens of being a victim. Life isn’t something that is being DONE to them, but something that is TEACHING them for their future enhancement.

Graduates practice Grace, Compassion and Forgiveness. They understand that not everyone understands their role as teachers and students  in the School of Hard Knocks. They accept that everyone is learning at their own pace and that, as in every other school in life, we aren’t all in the same class at the same time learning the same things. Grace and compassion for each other’s journey softens our own roads.

Graduates experience Joy, Happiness and Love Despite Adversity. They figure out that the Happy Boat isn’t coming. They stop waiting by the shore and begin experiencing true love, true joy and true happiness right there, right in the midst of trouble, hard knocks and difficulty. And in doing so, they learn the greatest miracle of rising above it all and living life wide awake instead of half- asleep waiting for the good times to roll in.

Graduates Have Faith. They understand that there is a purpose to all of this. That the Hard Knocks are not just random, but that they are hidden jewels, tarnished gems, that if taken the time to polish and shape, will reap untold benefits and victories. That out of every hard knock, every darkness, goodness  has the power to defeat darkness.

Always.

*Spoiler Alert* 

Things turned out great for Annie. And for all of her friends. The road to happiness isn’t paved with yellow bricks made of gold. It’s paved with hard knocks, walked on step by step, with eyes wide open, a willingness to learn, the ability to accept difficulty and the grace to love despite it.

And faith.  Always, always faith.

Even though you may really, really want to do something, see something, believe in something, you keep quiet. You go along with the crowd, you pretend to agree, or you try to convince yourself that you agree. Even though you may really, really, NOT want to do something, you do it anyway rather than stand up for yourself and say no thank you.

Others may think of you as agreeable, easy-going…kind. That is until you get fed up and blow up because you just can’t take it anymore. Or you might be the sulky kind, slugging along not giving anything your full attention because deep inside you really don’t give a damn.

Quit Faking it. BE the Truth! Say no!

Easier said than done? You’re darn right it is. ”Just Say No” (or the polite version of  “No, thank you.”) is a challenge for many people. They want to say no, but they don’t want to be perceived as a big meanie, the one sore thumb that isn’t a team player, or the party-pooper that is notoriously no fun. We want to be liked, so we swallow the no and do it anyhow.

The danger is that at the end of the day,when we don’t stay true to ourselves,  the person that doesn’t end up liking us…is us! When we let down our authentic true self, we open the door to the cycle of self-loathing and mental abuse that we heap on ourselves for letting us down.

Work on Your Boundaries

Here is a tip for those of you that struggle with this.  Spend some time with a piece of paper and pen and write down your IDEAL WORLD Boundaries.

Ideal World Boundaries are exactly what they sound like. In an Ideal World, I would create boundaries for myself that looked like….

Fill in the blank. Fill it in with the truths that your heart and soul are crying out for in the back of your mind. We all have that voice, it’s the voice of our spirit.  If you aren’t hearing it, chances are you have ignored it for so long it has become a whisper. Or it shows up in the disguise of anger, anxiety, whining, complaining, martyrdom or depression.

If you are experiencing these symptoms on a regular basis, reexamine your boundaries. Are you putting your personal needs on stand by while you take care of everyone else besides you? Have you ignored your creative passions and favorite hobbies because all of your time is spent traipsing along following someone else’s passions? Create an Ideal World Boundary page. And if you aren’t sure exactly what your spirit is crying out for, don’t despair. Take some time to note when that sense of resistance shows up. Pay attention to the times when negative emotions rear their ugly heads and ask yourself- What do I need right now?

What Happens When the Person Standing in your Way is YOU?

I have some good news and bad news for you. The person standing in your way of creating the authentic YOU is always you!

At first, that might seem like REALLY bad news. After all, you having been trying for years, maybe decades trying to rid yourself of your bad habits and it is always an uphill struggle. But it really is good news! You see, you tell yourself that this is something you can’t control, that you can’t help giving up your personal life and space for others because it is what they demand, expect or want.

The truth is that they demand, expect it or want it, because somewhere in your verbal or not verbal communication you have said it is okay. Okay to take advantage, okay to expect way too much, okay to trample on your needs, dreams and desires. You didn’t pay any attention to them so why should they?

The only time anyone will respect your boundaries is when you start respecting them yourself FIRST.

If you aren’t important to yourself, you won’t be important to them.

If you aren’t loving to yourself, you won’t seem lovable to them.

If you aren’t spending the time to rejuvenate, listen to and cultivate your own unique desires, passions and needs then don’t expect anyone else to do it for you. Chances are, you haven’t even communicated how important they are. Chances are, others have no idea what is really important to you anyway!

But..I Don’t Want To Be Selfish.

This is a favorite excuse of women, especially mothers and caretakers. Men too, but I suspect they won’t often admit it. It seems selfish to create boundaries that take care of our personal and professional needs. It seems selfish to put ourselves first. We feel guilty…we feel like bad guys, and heaven knows we never want to feel like a bad guy.

How about we turn this paradigm around.

You are being selfish and a “bad guy” when you don’t give your family and friends the very best you that there is to offer. You are being selfish and a ‘bad guy’ when you deny the world all the creative talent, beauty and love that you have to offer. You are being selfish and a bad guy when you are grumpy, angry, sulking, whining and defiant because you didn’t take the crucial time to fill the well.

Creating boundaries for your self care is good for the world, good for your families, friends and businesses.

Be a good guy. Take  good care of yourself.

One specific lesson has remained steadfast in my mind and is never far from my thoughts.

 The Danger of Waiting for the Busy Bus

Everyone  has waited for the Busy Bus at one time or another in their lives. They might not have been aware of it, or perhaps they have a different name for it. Maybe it’s not something they think about very often, taking it for granted as part of their daily lives.

The Busy Bus is a phrase that was used in the beauty shop.  It  stood for the imaginary bus that is going to someday drive right up to the front door filled to the brim with happy, smiling, loyal clients just waiting to spend their money.

Many of the young hairdressers fresh out of school – and some not so fresh – believed in the Busy Bus as a way to earn their living. They would stand by the front door, sighing, leaning on the broom, and staring aimlessly out on the horizon. They could stand there all day, just waiting and sighing, waiting and sighing, and at the end of the day go home, disappointed in how slow things were and wondering if tomorrow might be different.

Of course it never was, because the Busy Bus never came.

We have many Busy Buses in our lives that never come. Dreams, hopes, plans, which never live up to our expectations and  don’t show up the way we thought they would.

Sometimes, like the hairdressers in the example, we feel we’ve already done our part. They went to Beauty School, they took their test, they got their license. Now, where are those darn clients? Where the heck is that busy bus?

It doesn’t occur to them that there might be something more that they have to do. That it is an on-going process. That what they thought was the end of the hard work was really just the beginning. That the real trick to growing their businesses- no matter what they are- is the sales and marketing part of the strategy.

For some, the dreams and plans die right there when they realize that the bus isn’t coming after all. When they realize they have to create systems and strategies and be proactive about their success. The disappointment is too much. The rejection feels very personal. They quit before they ever really begin and head for a different bus stop and wait for a different bus.

But there is one way to increase the odds that the bus actually WILL show up. One way to stack the deck heavily in your favor to help you reach the goal you desire.

You can be the Bus Driver.

You can go get that bus, get in the driver’s seat, find the right map and start following the directions for your dreams and goals.

There are a few keys that will help you as you begin your drive down the road.

Break the Vision down into manageable chunks and look for the step-by-step processes that you will need to find to get you to the next level. Focus on ONLY one level at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself thinking about driving cross-country when you need to get to the next state.

Don’t be afraid to ask directions. Even bus drivers can get lost. Find the experts, coaches and mentors who have the information you need and follow their lead. No one gets where they need to go alone. Build a network of masters within your road-map and brainstorm your plans with them.  Watch how your creativity will soar.

Pick up passengers along the way. Helping others to get where they need to go builds good will and expands your circle of influence. Napoleon Hill said, “It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed.” His book Think and Grow Rich is an excellent guideline for “bus driving” lessons.

It’s never to late to learn. Take an honest look at your job skills.  Are they up to date? Technology is changing faster than a speeding bullet. Are you keeping up? Even a year to six months out in some markets can put you in an obsolete position. Stay fresh. Make education part of your daily diet.

Take a look at the buses in your life. Are you waiting for the Busy Buses or are you driving the buses in your life?

Be the one that makes change happen. Be the one that says, “This can be different starting now.”

The one that’s going to make it happen is you. The one you are waiting for is you.

The Busy Bus isn’t coming unless you are driving it.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

~Robert Benchley

Why is it that when we are supposed to be cleaning the house, we are compelled to write, when we are supposed to be writing,  we are compelled to work in the garden, when we are supposed to be working in the garden, we wish to be indoors, when we are supposed to be working indoors, our noses are pressed against the glass, gazing at the garden?

We don’t even need to get into email, Facebook or the other social media time-sucks, do we?

Procrastination.

It happens to the best of us once in awhile. It happens to the rest of us now and then. It happens to a few of us all the time. And that’s when the big trouble starts.

Procrastination sucks the life out of dreams, hopes, goals and plans. It is a monster that ruins marriages, friendships, businesses  and any other type of relationship you can have. It can get you fired. It can ruin your reputation. It can leave you broke and miserable.

HOW TO STOP PROCRASTINATING

The first key to stop procrastinating is to determine what type of procrastinator you are.

The experts have their opinions but for us simpler folk, I’ve narrowed it down to these categories.

• The Rebel   This is mine so I’ll go first. I rebel against everything, even lists I made myself. As SOON as I make something my first priority on the list, there is a nasty little excuse monster that starts up in my head that has a reason—and dang if it isn’t a GOOD reason—that I really should be doing something else first instead. I work hard, I just am doing something else other than what I was supposed to get done. I don’t like to follow orders. I want to be free to wander about unstructured. I…am…a…brat. You would think a person would grow out of this. Not happening. Though I am learning to spot the signs of the excuse monster before too much damage occurs.
• The Thumb Twiddler This poor guy’s got it bad. It is the “In a minute” syndrome. “I’m just going to sit here and twiddle my thumbs and read one more e-mail, watch one more minute of soaps, check out Facebook…Twitter…Pinterest…and whatever comes after that.  This person’s behind never leaves the chair. There is no time management because there is no sense of time. Time is twiddled away and at the end of the day, they are shocked to find out that the day has left and they don’t know where it went.
• The Adrenaline Junkie It takes a strong shot of the “juice” to motivate this one. Just looking at the “To do” list doesn’t quite do it. Somewhere along the line they lost their ability to move without a swift kick in the rear. (Or as we say at Creative Clarity Coaching—A kick in the patootie!) All the other categories default to this eventually, the difference is, that while most of us hate it when we find ourselves here, the junkie lives for it.
• The Cowardly Lion This fellow would love to get things done—if only he could decide what to do.If only he could be assured he wouldn’t fail.  The last thing he wants to do is procrastinate. He is just waiting until he gets the job done perfectly. Fear of failure is paralyzing the Lion and keeping him tied up in ropes.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS

Once you have identified which type of procrastinator you are you can take steps to work  to undo it. Procrastinators aren’t born. It is a learned behavior. It can be unlearned. It is based on habits and conscious and unconscious beliefs that we have about ourselves that keep us circling in destructive patterns. By becoming proactive, we can fight procrastination and reach our goals.

You may have felt like you have identified with more than one or that you thought of more. That’s okay. Whatever the list sparked for you, write it down and see what insight you received. The important thing is recognizing the key patterns of behavior so that we can begin to take charge of it.

Here are tips to beat the four basic types of procrastinators.

• The Rebel    Be prepared! Awareness is the biggest part of the cure. As soon as you hear that little voice, you’ve already won because you are not caught off guard. Plan your list carefully and  ahead of time. Make sure that your list is prioritized so that it truly has the A+ priorities in the right order so you aren’t second guessing yourself in the moment. Remind yourself  that you have a choice, and you are choosing to keep your eyes on the goal, and that you want to be the best you can be. Give yourself rewards for sticking to the list. After each one is checked off, tell yourself what a great job you did. You earned it and you love being your own boss! 
• The Thumb Twiddler    Look, here is the bad news. You have to go cold turkey. You need to identify your time wasters and put them aside until after you get some work done. Do not touch them even for one second. Remember when your Mom told you to eat your vegetables first and then you can eat your dessert? Well she was right. But it doesn’t have to be quite as bad as all that. You do have to eat your veggies first, but you don’t have to eat everything on your plate all in one sitting. Part of your trouble is you feel so overwhelmed by the big picture that you never start. We are going to break it up. This is the FLyLady fifteen minute rule and it’s brilliant. You just can’t sit down on your Bum until you’ve started, OK? Good. Go get a Timer. Set it for Fifteen Minutes. NOW START Your Project and don’t stop until the timer goes off. Now you can take a timed break and then set it for a new fifteen minutes and work again. Honestly, I think you should go to the FlyLady website right now. You need her if you are a Thumb Twiddler.
• The Adrenaline Junkie    First realize your addiction is to the thrill, not the procrastination. Take up bungee jumping and get your work done! Make a deal with yourself. Give yourself something to look forward to. Barter yourself. Say- “Self- here’s the deal. We are going to set up a new deadline on that project for one week early and the next day after we finish it, we are going to do something exciting!  Keep yourself inspired with excitement not related to your work! Also, you might want to examine why it is that your work isn’t exciting to you. Are you avoiding doing it because it is the wrong work for you altogether? Does your personality need something else? We weren’t all put here to sit at a desk. Take a good look inside. Don’t avoid the big questions.
• The Cowardly Lion You, my friend, are a perfectionist. I know that you are looking all around you at your stacks of unfinished work and mess and clutter and you are shaking your head no and thinking….oh, she is talking about somebody else. No…I am talking about you. Yes, Felix from The Odd Couple was a perfectionist, and that is who we tend to think of when we use that term, but there is another perfectionist and that is the one who so wants to be perfect and so fears messing up and that the world will see our flaws that we freeze like a deer in headlights and don’t get anything done. So do this one thing. Pick one tiny action step and just start. Know that you are going to fail at it a little bit anyway so it won’t matter. Just say to yourself…good enough is better than not doing it at all. Pick just one thing-set the timer for fifteen minutes and Get started. 

This isn’t an exhaustive list. There are a lot more. This is a drop in the bucket. There are posts and posts to be written on each one of these. What are some of the things that you do to fight procrastination? Which ones do you identify with? How do you manage time?

Speaking of time…I have to go, my timer is about to ring!