Next week we have a very special project launching: The Narcissist: A User’s Guide. What makes this collaboration with Lori Hoeck and Betsy Wuebker so special is all of us have had past experiences with the narcissistic personality. This is a topic we all feel very strongly about and felt the need to share it with the world.

All of us shared common ground in that we never realized what was wrong with these relationships other than they were just wrong. The best example I can give is being in a relationship with a narcissist is like being in a cult; they’re charming, charismatic, they manipulate people in such subtle ways that you as an individual don’t know what hit you until the damage is done and it’s far too late.

The Phantom Menace

Before what I was going through had a name for me to hang on it I often saw many parallels between the relationship and the Star Wars series.  Anakin Skywalker (aka: Darth Vader) is a classic example of a narcissist. He had a traumatic experience early on in life that stunted his emotional growth and led him to be totally self-absorbed, even though he would never see it that way.

He would have power, he would have control, he would rule the Galaxy! It didn’t matter what he did to those who loved him, and whether or not he was actually capable of love himself is debatable.

Yoda and Obi Wan both warned young Anakin that fear lead to the dark side; that it would consume him if he wasn’t careful. Fear in any form will render a person helpless, no matter how strong they think they are.

I used to think I was a strong person.

I’ve recently discovered that the person I was never went anywhere. I’m still me. I’m still strong. But it was one night while I was watching Star Wars for the umpteenth time that I realized how much fear the Narci injected into my life.

And here we go referring back to the cult mindset. Cult leaders brainwash you into thinking you can’t do it on your own. They tear you down even though in their minds they fully believe they’re building you up. Every word out of their mouth is a carefully calculated knife meant to slice away every last shred of self-esteem and confidence you have. The cult leader wants his or her followers to be totally dependent on them – and so does the narcissist.

Attack of the Clones

Once I realized how much these fears had a hold on me, the battle was on. Leaving a narcissist isn’t easy, I will tell you that right now. Like Sith Lords they’re skilled in putting you in your place and keeping you there. Want some examples? Here is a sample straight from the Guide:

• “You are not living up to your vows”
• “You promised you would never leave”
• “Your leaving will hurt others at the company. Don’t you care?”
• “You know I have a huge job change upcoming. Why are you doing this to me?”

Oh yes, when you try to leave you may end up thinking it’s much easier to stay where you are rather than break free. You’re already at your lowest point, you’re vulnerable and chances are you no longer know which end is up.

Another side of the narcissist’s many-sided coin as you depart is a cold shoulder and withdrawal—if you are lucky. Part of them will be glad to be done with the ego-draining drama your newfound insight, confidence, and resolve are causing them.

They will always try for control and try to assume the former controls and dynamic, but part of them will realize it will only deplete them more.

Some would say that physical abuse is worse than mental or verbal abuse. In my opinion, the latter two are worse. They leave scars no surgeon can heal. And long after the physical scars are gone, chances are the mental ones will never go away.

Many of us here are writers, we understand the power of words. Words have the power to bring down whole civilizations faster than any nuclear bomb ever could. Just reduce that to a smaller individual scale and you can imagine the destruction involved.

Revenge of the Sith

What is the definition of a Sith Lord? Here’s what Wikipedia had to say:

Characterized by their single-minded pursuit of power and disdain for sentient life, they are an alliance of warrior mages who use the dark side of the Force and serve as counterparts to the Jedi Knights.

The Sith are portrayed in various Star Wars media as individuals who use the dark side to attain power at any cost. The Star Wars prequel films establish that they draw upon strong emotions, both negative and positive, as the source of their power, and care only about themselves. This is in contrast to the Jedi, who are portrayed as forsaking emotional attachment in order to serve others and the galaxy as a whole.

Starting to see the connection? Even after you’ve left your Narci it’s not over yet. Once they realize they don’t have any control over you, they’ll still try to find ways to worm back into your life.

Be prepared for a lot of massive mood swing attacks ranging from despair to all out rage. And guilt. Massive amounts of guilt. But what you have to realize through all this is – and this is very important:

It’s Not Your Fault.

Repeat this mantra over and over to yourself. Write it on a sticky note and tape it to your forehead. Carve it into stone. Whatever you do, remember it.

A New Hope

I could go on for several more pages with this, but I won’t. Not yet. Instead, I’m going to wait for you all to get this ebook in your hands on February 2nd and read for yourselves. Then when you come back, we’ll have the coffee and bagels ready.

 Beware the Drift.

That thought  returned to me repeatedly yesterday morning during my quiet time and refused to turn me loose the remainder of the day. It is not an original thought or one I haven’t dealt with before. I first heard it several years ago sitting in a seminar listening to the amazing Jim Rohn share his thoughts on the dangers of the Daily Drift and how it can  destroy our chances for success before we our even aware of it’s existence..

The drift is elusive. It is seductive. It sneaks up on you when you aren’t looking and steals your lunch. Then it takes your dinner. By the time you know it’s there, the cupboard is bare and you are in a full-fledged panic, wondering how in the world you could have let this happen.

The drift occurs in such tiny little increments that it is hard to see its movements. It isn’t particular, it can choose to sneak up into any area of your life that you stop paying attention to. It’s like the preverbal snake, slithering in when you least expect it, tempting you to relax, just this once, what can it hurt? Tomorrow is a brand new day…another chance…after all…everyone deserves a break now and then…don’t they?

And the boat slips softly farther from the shore, gently rocking on a peaceful wave, as you are lulled into blissful compliance. Yes…tomorrow is another day…another day to let goals slip farther and farther from your reach as time goes quickly ticking by.

The drift is always waiting. If it can get an edge in to your routine, …say, oh for example… the second day of a well-meaning plan and the third, or just home from vacation, or just getting over an illness, or remodeling the house, or any number of excuses we all have, then the anchors that held your boat to the shore start to weaken, the currant tugging on the line as The Drift starts to make progress against the shore. Within a few days and then tumbling into few weeks, you are nodding along, comfortably settling in to a new routine, bobbing about the waves, the anchors all but fallen away, resolutions and well meaning habits a fading memory, the path to success growing weeds on its trail from lack of use.

One day you look up and behold, you are adrift in a stormy sea on a boat without sail or paddle, no map to guide you, no earthly idea what treachery landed you in this precarious situation. A situation, no doubt, you likely have vowed never to be in and would have never willing gone.

Except you did. And you can hardly believe it. Stunned and angry with yourself for permitting such an offence, you begin the self-punishing behaviors and self-talk that we are all familiar with when looking in the mirror. Vile things that we would never say to another. Then, self-flagellation completed, we vow to wipe the slate clean and start fresh, armed with new goals, new maps and new enthusiasm to complete the task.

And the cycle begins again. Until the next time the sneaky snake of The Drift begins to whisper in our ear.

One day off won’t hurt… it’s just one day…there is so much to do and so little time….

If failure is the result of a few poor choices made daily over the course of time, then isn’t it reasonable to conclude that Success is the result of a few good choices made daily over the course of time?

Baby steps forward or lazy drifting backward. You choose.

Because nothing stands still. Ever.

Beware the drift.

I must have blinked and missed it, because now outside that very same window the blistering sun is bearing down on a garden full of weeds and drooping tomatoes wondering how in the world July is hanging on the horizon.

This year is a speeding train thundering down the track, stopping nowhere and waiting for no one. I have a nagging urge to start my Christmas cards now because I have a feeling when I blink again, there will be Salvation Army bells ringing at the grocery store.

It steals my breath away.

There are days that moments after I write my daily plan, it is obsolete and flying out the window. Days when the organization of the past just doesn’t cut it and I am flying by the seat of my pants and thanking God above that someone told me Improve class would really come in handy some day.

There are other days that without my morning and evening routines firmly in place, I would be lost, floundering about like a fish, tossed on the shore in a storm.

It pays to be flexible. I take my guidance from the sea. I try to relax into the larger waves of life, trying hard not to fight them, staying focused and alert and on top of things; then calming, as the waves get smaller, trying to remember to take those  moments of peace before the next set starts up again. Always knowing they will come.  Not being knocked off guard by the next set of waves.

Ebb and flow, the balance of life.

It’s hard to keep that balance. It’s an easy thing to lose and this year especially, it’s been hard to hang on to. Find it in one area, it slips in another. Coaching’s  going great, writing fiction? Sure…great…doing it every day like clock work. Exercise, diet?… yep…finally  back on track. House? Yep..good…family good…

Then one day John asks casually… haven’t seen a post at LLI for awhile… Taking a break or something?

Um…yea, has it really been that long?

Time slipping through my fingers again. Why is it always the important things…and sometimes people… we let slip away?

Weeds in the garden, lack 0f posts at LLI, haven’t touched a paintbrush in months…journal buried under a pile of papers… for me, when life turns up the speed, I lose my meditative edge and forget those stolen moments that were just for me. I keep working on the ones that are geared toward helping others improve their lives or producing some work of art for payment, or church or a project for an interesting cause.  These are my focus while in the mean time my own inner light is spinning precariously closer to burn out.

Been there done that before. Not interested in ever going back there again.  Although I think my  “take on everything I see”  type of personality leaves me a prime target for burn out, I have had to deal with this lesson a few times now. It’s a faster walk around the block. I am quicker to see the warning signs flashing around me.

What I need back are my stolen morning moments. Plucked away from the first drops of morning dew before the sun has time to steal them back again. My morning meditation time and private musings gives me the creative juice to send it out again into the rest of the day.

I picked up my journal today. The pages that stared back at me accusingly had a date on it that I am too ashamed to share. This from a woman who faithfully wrote in it most every morning for years. It felt great to pour the details of my days back into the little book where they belong and get all of that nonsense out of my head. It may seem hard to believe, but I think it even slows that rushing train down a little bit.

It restores balance. The ebb and flow.

And leaves room in my head to go focus on other things. Like coming here.

It feels good to be back.

In her latest ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine  that landed in my in-box this morning, she shares these tips on beating procrastination that were just so darn good that I felt the need to shout them from the roof top. Well…it’s cold out and I didn’t want to go stand on the roof so…here you are.

The thing is, she is very generous this way and gives her fans and subscribers permission to share her words. So for those of you who don’t get her e-zine…here are some very good tips.

But seriously…I only re-print them here once in a great while so you should subscribe to her e-zine. You don’t want to miss out on a word she says.

 9 Simple Solutions for Procrastinators

by Christine Kane

Irony: As I started to write this article, I thought, “I’ll just go play one Sudoku game first.” I caught myself in the act and marched to my laptop.
 

People who say that procrastination is about laziness are probably the same people who think that anorexia is about not eating enough.

Procrastination isn’t about laziness. It’s about fear. It’s about perfectionism. It’s about overwhelm. We all experience it, and there are some tricks to help you get moving again.

Here are 9 ways to break the procrastination habit

 
1 – When you get an idea, do some little thing to begin.

When I read Stephen King’s book On Writing,  I noticed something. I noticed that when Stephen King gets an idea,  he writes it.  Immediately and imperfectly. Most people get an idea.  Then they sit there.  They wonder if it’s a good idea. Then, they wonder if it’s a good idea some more. Got an idea? Begin it now!

2 – All hail small chunks of time!

Lots of us complain about having no time.  My guess is that we all have lots of time.  It just doesn’t happen to be all at once.  Are you waiting for many hours of spare time to begin your idea, your project, or your taxes?  Stop waiting!  Learn to use the spare half hour that comes up here and there. (I gave myself 45 minutes to write this article just to take my own advice.)

3 – Agree to do it badly.

Set a goal to do it badly. Set a goal to show up. Let go of doing it ALL, or doing it WELL. Some of my coaching clients’ biggest victories have a lot more to do with getting over perfectionism and fear, than they do about getting it all done perfectly.

4 – Commit aloud.

Call a friend and say something like this: “I’m going to spend the next half hour working on my Law School Essay.” Then go do it.  Call the friend after the half hour and make her congratulate you. Repeat daily.

5 – Define quantities.

Nebulous goals make for nebulous results. “I’m gonna get my office organized” is a lot like saying, “We oughtta do something about Global Warming.” Most procrastinators have a hard time defining quantities.  We think everything needs to be done NOW.  When are you going to do it? For how long?  Which part of your office? The file cabinet? Or your desk? Define the goal and acknowledge its completion.

Note: The Clutter Removal Action Process (or, “C.R.A.P.”) is one of the many bonus elements of my new “Uplevel Your Life Mastery Program” – and it makes this step a BREEZE!

6 – Install this System Upgrade into your Mental Hard Drive: Less is More.

Have fewer goals. Have no more than three priorities for a week. Why? Because you’re not lazy. You’re just trying to do too much. Find out what it feels like to accomplish one thing instead of not quite getting to everything. Wow – what a difference this makes!

7 – Do it first.

My first coach made me write songs first thing in the morning.  He told me to schedule the 2-hour chunk as my first activity upon waking. Why? “Because you’re telling the universe that this is your priority. And then the universe lines up everything to align with your priority.”

Action grounds your priorities. It makes them real. It also makes your day easier because you’re not wasting energy thinking about this thing you’re supposed to be doing.

8 – Avoid nose-bleed activities.

Email, voicemail, web stats – any activity that bleeds itself into your whole day becomes a non-activity. It becomes a nose-bleed. When you do it all the time, you never complete it. You just let it slowly drain the very life force from you. Define times for these activities. Then, turn off your email, your cell phone, your web stats, until that time comes.

9 – Don’t ask how you “feel” about doing the activity.

Have you ever committed to getting fit? And then when the alarm goes off, you lie in bed thinking, “Do I really feel like going to the gym?” (Like you even have to ask!)

Change this pattern. Make your decision the night before. Commit to getting up and going right to the gym, the computer, the blank canvas. Don’t have coffee and sigh and think, “I’ll probably feel more like it at lunch time.” You won’t!

If it’s a priority, don’t waste time asking yourself how you feel about doing it. Feelings are an easy out.

—————————-
There. I did it. I wrote this article. And now, I don’t even want to play Sudoku! How about that?

 
Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.
WANT TO SEE HUNDREDS MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE?
See Christine’s blog – Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous – at ChristineKane.com/blog.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of Intention, Christine Kane does a wonderful job of explaining it over at her place and I highly recommend that you go there for a better explanation than I am going to give you now. 

The idea is that you pick a word that symbolizes a theme  you are going to focus your goals and concentration on throughout the year and that through the process, your energies will move in that direction. “As a Man Thinketh, So is He” said the great thinker James Allen, and the concept of Intention works on that same principle.

I think the reason I was struggling with what it was I wanted to focus on is because I have been journeying down a long path for the last handful of years toward authenticity. Each year, I have been peeling off  layer after layer of this shrinking onion, trying to find the core, only to discover another thinly veiled peel that needed to come away.

While on one hand, I can say that I honestly endeavour to be myself at all times, I can also honestly say, I don’t always know exactly who that self currently is. I think it has caused over the last few years a sense of growing confusion and a disorientation, a lack of balance in my being. I am an ever evolving being, caught in a tide of change, between parenthood and middle age, between being someones wife and someones daughter, someone else’s friend and someone else’s mother. And then the grandchildren come over and I have these moments of looking in the mirror and wondering when the clock ran away.

And always, always, I am a child of God, in my quiet times alone, it is easy to remember that I was put here to serve and to help and to grow and to learn and to….what?

To be REAL.

To feel. To live in the moment and be all of those things at the moment that each of them come along.

But hanging on to that realness is a challenge.

SO….my challenge for this year is to embrace the raging tide with grace and dignity. To acknowledge all of the different forces and roles and needs that are all REAL parts of who I currently am and find the boundaries and balance and structure that can make my life REAL and at the same time manageable.

 Maybe this only makes sense to me. Maybe this is a light that has only gone off in a small corner of my mind. But it is having a huge impact.

I was listening to Christine Kane’s song and it hit me like a brick.

I deserve to live REAL.

Listen for yourself and you might see what I mean.  Click on the link and scroll down to the bottom of the page to find the song.

Thank you Christine. “Here’s To How it Feel’s To Be Real”

How To Be Real