Welcome to LLI. Thank you for taking the time to share your well articulated thoughts on the subject. I must say, this may be the longest comment we have ever had on LLI! Perhaps we should have had you do a guest post!

Of course everyone is entitled to their own opinions and viewpoints on the subject. Mine are shared in the post Take Two in the Mirror where I talk about the fact that it is absolutely a dance between two people- in fact it always is in any relationship.

The problem is that I have to say I’m quite surprised by this seeming epidemic of narcissism. Let’s be honest, here. Narcissism is a psychological disorder that has a prevalence of about 1% of the population – possibly up to 2.5% if studies are stretched. There are a lot of people in the United States and around the world.

And yet, so many people seem to be tumbling out of the woodwork claiming they’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist that this could overturn decades of medical research. It’s extremely unlikely, though, if we consider statistics, and this is making me wonder about the credibility of the claims.

Sometimes, people just behave badly. We have all been victims of that at various times, and we have all also been people who act out in poor ways. This does not mean that we all have disorders. Making a claim does not create truth.

I also find statments I’m seeing around the web quite serious ones, and I do have to wonder on their truth. Yes, dysfunctional relationships are quite confusing and can be mentally straining, but as intelligent human beings, we have to be very, very careful about pointing fingers and tacking names to people in self-defence. It’s very easy to call a strong-willed and ambitious person a narcissist – just as easy as it is to label a meek person who does nothing someone with an avoidance disorder or a passive-aggressive individual, two states of mind that are just as damaging to others as narcissists might be.

So my questions begin with, were the narcissists in these relationships diagnosed by professionals? Or just labelled so by their “victims”? And what of the victims’ responsibilities? It takes two to tango in a relationship, after all. As Marc has said, I’m also seeing a lot of “It’s not my fault,” and “I’m not to blame,” but that’s a dangerous mindset to have. In any relationship, there is always two people involved and two sets of behaviour at play. Only when we acknowledge our contribution, accept it and work to change our behaviours can we truly say we’re on the road to being a better person.

I don’t mean to undermine people’s experiences. We’ve all had bad relationships and they do hurt. They do leave scars, sometimes very deep ones that take years of effort to get over and heal. But the answer is not to suddenly assume that we’re qualified enough to write self-help psychology ebooks or make statements about who has a certain disorder and who doesn’t.

I’ve read the ebook. And frankly, what I read in it is that every person I know can be easily labelled as having a serious psychological disorder. Sweeping generalizations and twisted interpretations serve no one any good, and following the guidelines in the book may result in labelling all the people we know as narcissists. Any parent fits in the definition. Teachers. World leaders. Seminar speakers. Policemen. The lady next door, for goodness sake. That’s frightening.

A last point. When we point the finger and say, “The narcissist did this to me,” (as was said in this post and others around the web) versus “I allowed this to happen in my life,” we are not healing or changing our behaviours. We are externalizing our issues instead of looking within to change ourselves and become better people. Yes, people treat people badly, but we have a responsibility to accept our part in the situation and work to change it. Psychological healing is a bio-psycho-social change, involving more than just moving people in and out of our lives.

Again, I’m not making light of anyone’s experience. That is your experience and your perception of the situation, and it is valid. But I am speaking out against this generalized use of a psychological disorder to label people and thus avoid our own issues. I think that’s a very unhealthy manner of dealing with any situation.

To paraphrase Darth Vader; interesting. Most interesting.
Marc’s last post… Why You Shouldn’t Work for Your Friends, Family or Yourself