Speaking From the Heart
Written by Wendi Kelly - October 16, 2008
25 Comments
On Sunday this week John and I will be performing a drama for the drama ministry at our church. It will be a portrayal of a husband and wife, sitting together, yet alone, on a sofa-he with the remote and the football game, her with her stack of glamour magazines and romance novels. Periodically, they will steal glances at each other when the other is not looking. Boredom fills the room. From overhead, through the speakers, the audience will then hear each of their thoughts projected into the space while they sit there, too afraid to say what is really on their mind. The title of the play…I Wish We Could Talk.
He feels as if he can’t compete with her fantasy romance novel world and the perfect heroes inside. She fears she can’t transcend being buried in mommyland all day long to become a desirable wife. She feels unnoticed, unappreciated, unloved…He feels like she doesn’t understand the pressure he is dealing with at work, he feels worthless, unsupported, uncared for.
Neither of them feel as if they are being listened to. Both of them desire someone to talk to. Both of them crave companionship. They long to share their deepest fears, their deepest needs with someone…anyone…
And yet..there they sit…in silence…alone…together.
I think this may be the saddest play I have ever been in. Saddest because it just ends with them sitting there. Never speaking to each other. Making the choice to stay lonely. Making the choice not to speak the desires of their hearts. Not to reach out to each other and grab on to love.
When it is right there next to them all the time.
How many times has this been you or me? How many times has the need for love been right there on the tip of your tongue and you have pushed it down, shoved it back into the corner of your heart, turned out the lights and sat in the dark alone when maybe, just maybe if you had taken the chance, reached out, spoken from the heart, someone might have listened, someone might have responded.
I know I have. I know there have been times I have bit my tongue and walked away, spent the night hashing over all the things I could of said in the repeat tape player in my mind.
It doesn’t have to be that way. The truth is that we all feel inadequate, alone, unloved and not good enough at one time or another.There is no shame in being able to share these thoughts out loud once in awhile with a trusted friend. There is no shame in reaching out to our loved ones and taking that hand, holding on for support, being honest with our emotions, sharing from the depths of our hearts.
The truth is that this is what builds deep bonds. Honesty. Trust. Knowing we can depend on sharing our true feelings with each other and not be hurt. But you have to be willing to risk those emotions in order to get to those friendships. You have to take a chance. It’s a risk…yes…but one that can have an amazing pay off. There just might be that someone waiting to listen, waiting to share, waiting to give love.
Or…you can just sit in silence. Alone.
It’s a choice.
Talk from the heart. It’s SO worth it.
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Read the Comments
25 Outstanding Responses to "Speaking From the Heart"
Stacey / Create a Balance on October 16, 2008 at 11:04 pm • Permalink
I read this as my husband holds the remote on the sofa and I’m bouncing around the blogosphere. Can you say ah-ha moment? There are many lessons to be learned in this post Wendi. Thank you.
Stacey / Create a Balance’s last blog post..Can You Embrace Your Authentic Sense of Self While Raising Children?
Harmony on October 17, 2008 at 3:19 am • Permalink
I guess it’s risky right. To open, to share, to take a chance that you will be misunderstood or yelled at. Sometimes it’s easier not to care, until you don’t care for so long, that you are no longer present.
Good thoughts and reminders. Thanks.
Harmony’s last blog post..When A Good Seed Goes BAD
Lance on October 17, 2008 at 4:45 am • Permalink
Hi Wendi. It is so worth it…and yet…I’m guilty of holding back too often. And the truth is, the times I’ve felt most connected to my wife – is when we’ve really had these meaningful conversations. So, why do I get held back from opening up sometimes? What is it I really fear? Wendi, thank you for reminding of what really is important.
Lance’s last blog post..Poverty Close to Home – Blog Action Day 2008
Kari on October 17, 2008 at 6:03 am • Permalink
Wendi, do you have a vidio cam set up in my living room? This post reminds me of the many times we sit after a long day at work.. silently reading the paper or watching tv.. me, perhaps, deep in latest Jodi Poccult novel, he, perhaps, flipping through the channels.. me, sometimes racking my brain for something, anything, to get a conversation going, hoping for more than a one word answer.. “fine” in response to “how was your day?” I have to laugh because what you describe sounds so much like our day to day life.. until .. once in a blue moon, something gets us to open up and talk.. I will say that if I bring up the Cubs or Bears, usually I can get him going… Thank you for this today.. I would love to see the play and bring him with!
steph on October 17, 2008 at 1:51 pm • Permalink
This is a very good post, Wendi, spoken with a lot of truth and observation. I’ll bet a ton of people can relate. It hits home for me, too. Even though I’d say my husband and I have a pretty open and great relationship, I still don’t say half the things I want to and God only knows how much he doesn’t say, being the quieter, more private one. And most of the time we’re not even in the same room anymore but in our respective offices.
The problem is, I judge whatever it is as stupid or unnecessary or useless or needy before it ever comes out of my mouth. I am afraid of the reaction I assume I’ll get (which I know isn’t fair of me — to assume, I mean), or of no reaction at all. I suppose most of us are afraid of rejection in such a state of vulnerability, or of starting an argument we never meant to initiate.
But you’re right. Communication is key. Perhaps that’s why so many of us blog. To get it out in any way we can.
steph’s last blog post..20 Questions
Karen Swim on October 17, 2008 at 2:47 pm • Permalink
Wendi, hauntingly beautiful post. One that hits right in the heart and stirs your soul. Thank you so much for sharing this today and prayers go with you for Sunday. I know that many will be touched. Hey, BTW, I haven’t seen it yet but the beginning of your post reminded me of Kirk Cameron’s new movie, Fireproof – seen it yet?
Mistress O on October 17, 2008 at 3:25 pm • Permalink
I have observed over the years intimate conversations. They are words shred by each person, thoughts, feelings about one another, the spiritual journey they are embarked on and the relationship as a whole.
My mother would ask my dad quiet questions, and then listen truly listen, intently to his response. She appreciated all new things about him over the many years they were coupled. They would spend time alone in these conversations. I feel these sharings held and strengthened them, supporting them through difficult challenges.
On the night of their 60th wedding anniversary celebration, they went off for a moment and had such a deep sharing. The party went on without them quite well. That special sharing, after all the many years was to be their final one. Later that night my phone rang. My Mum had found my dad dead beside her in their bed.
I wish to believe that those final shared words earlier that night have lived within my mother’s heart of hearts and seen her thorough the lonely hours. She is 94 and sometimes recalls that visit with a soft smile and misty eyes.
Take the time, each of you and your Beloved. It is richer than gold!
Wendi on October 17, 2008 at 3:58 pm • Permalink
MIstress O,
Such a touching story about your parents.60 wonderful years…a blessing indeed, one richly invested in. A great lesson, thank you for sharing that.
Karen, I’ll hold you to those prayers and thank you in advanse for them, I always get nervous, even after 35 years on the stage…and NO never heard of that movie, hmm, maybe I should check it out?
Steph,
You aren’t alone in those thoughts, I think we all write rejection scripts in our heads that go something like…”If I say this then they will say… and then I’ll say this and they will say…” and we imagine entire stories that would probably never take place. But our evil twin convinces us we aren’t worthy of love…only rejection..It’s sad. But we can choose to break out of that pattern and ignore those old tapes and make a change.
Kari, Yep, I had the web cam pointed right at your couch..LOL…just kidding!!! You are NORMAL..and part of the majority. That’s what makes it so sad actually The play is this Sunday (October 19th) 8:30 am and 10:45 am at St. Andrews Church Mundelein, Illinois for Kari and any lurkers out there interested. See you there.
Lance, What is it that you fear? That is a really good question. In the play, the man’s biggest fear was being seen as being vulnerable. He felt he had to always be strong for her. He was afraid to show his needs and weaknesses. It would lead to a possability of rejection and lack of understanding. I guess each person has to ask that question for themselves. But it is a good question.
Wendi on October 17, 2008 at 4:02 pm • Permalink
Harmony,
A fear of confrontation is a BIG one I think. A lot of people will endure a great deal of misery to keep from being yelled at. Me…I was raised by an Irish/IItalian. Fire away…I’m imune to that…:)
Stacey,
That made me smile. I wrote this while my husband sat next to me typing away on his laptop. Dueling clicks… But the music was on and we sipped our wine…So romantic…ah well….:) Modern days…the key is to make the time…
ibirish55 on October 17, 2008 at 9:39 pm • Permalink
So far, all the responders have been married or in some kind of relationship.
The rest of us…..?
Wendi on October 17, 2008 at 10:37 pm • Permalink
Irish,
All of us have some kind of relationships, be it family, friends, co-workers…speaking authentically and from the heart isn’t just for spouses and loved ones, it’s for anyone we want to have a more meaningful, deeper relationship with.
Stacey Shipman on October 18, 2008 at 6:15 am • Permalink
Just yesterday I enjoyed lunch with 2 of my cousins and my sister. they are all moms, I am not. I spent most of the lunch quiet – not having much to say as they talked about their kids. A question kept popping up for me, but I never asked. Now I realize I should have opened up. My question is simple. My intent to ask each of them How are YOU.
I wish I read this yesterday! Alas, it’s not too late – I will see them all today and have the opportunity to try again!
Stacey Shipman’s last blog post..Blog Action Day: Thoughts on Poverty
Mistress O on October 18, 2008 at 1:37 pm • Permalink
To Irish,
I have a most special person in my life.
One who simply appeared, working in her
front garden last year.
She spoke, I replied.
Simple words that connected
two alone people.
Here is a poem about this prized relationship.
Build over time with shared words and now
to a point where sometimes no words are needed.
“Sometimes, there is a voiceless
communication.
Those times when all around me
do not hear. You, friend, hear.
When there is hidden sadness
within me, you know.
We laugh, together, almost on cue.
We write short notes to each other
starting and sealing the day.
Finishing sentences and thoughts
- common between us now.
We have turned a corner
and understand each other
with simple gestures
and trusting eye contact.
You know all of me,
and yet none of the
things of my shadow self
bother you.
To me you are the
flesh and blood restoration of my
faith on people and
the words. . . .true friends.”
Ms. O’s poem to her Friend/2008
Mistress O on October 19, 2008 at 8:11 am • Permalink
Listening to Celtic Women singing Sing Out.
It is your anthem, Wendikins. You have found love and give it back, not only to Sir John, but all with whom you come in contact.
I raise a glass in heart felt toast!”
Blessing to you,
Ms. O
Wendi on October 19, 2008 at 8:10 pm • Permalink
Mistress O,
Thank you SO much for sharing that wonderful poem. It gives me great joy when people share theirpoetry and thoughts and creativity here at LLI. This blog is for all of us and this makes me so happy that everyone shares. Also..thanks for mentioning that song…I’m going to go check it out!
Rita on October 20, 2008 at 11:06 am • Permalink
Wendi,
I agree with most of the points but the last one. Occasionally, silence is the loudest response that can be given…
Great post – sad, yet enlightening. Thank you.
Rita
Rita’s last blog post..Average Children, Mean Parents
Evelyn Lim on October 20, 2008 at 10:59 pm • Permalink
Interesting storyline that you have in your play. I don’t face a similar situation but I can see how real it is to many couples!
Interesting, my last post is also on communication. I started off on a lighter perspective and the point I was hoping to make is on how important it is to clarify our thoughts with words and questions.
I definitely agree that talking from the heart and being true to our feelings is worth it!
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..Can You Read My Mind?
Francis Kopke on October 21, 2008 at 1:39 pm • Permalink
Very nice post and it seems so very true for so many people.
Now I don’t want to start a “Dear Abby” thing here but what if your spouse does nothing but talk? And when I do get a brief pause to say something it goes unnoticed.
Maybe I’ll email a link to your blog…..
Francis
Francis Kopke’s last blog post..27 seconds
Wendi on October 22, 2008 at 9:41 am • Permalink
Frances!
I just found you locked in moderation jail! So sorry! And Welcome!
Do send a link…How about an honest chat about how you would like a turn? You could set up a hand signal, like they do with kids in school, when you raise your hands…it’s listening time…:)
If you look in the archives, you will find a post called Listening with Ears Wide Open. (I think, It’s been awhile)
Maybe Send a Hint?
Francis Kopke on October 22, 2008 at 10:43 am • Permalink
Hi Wendi,
I just found your old post and it was excellent.
I used to be such a crap listener until my God Mother said to me one day (she is always upfront and honest, which is rare as people are easily offended) “Francis, I need to talk too sometimes.” Ouch. So I observed her and learned what made her a great listener and copied her. All the techniques were in your old post.
But one quote in the comments section of that post stood out. It was part of a reply from you
“Probably for the same reason I talk to my dog Maggie while he’s at work. I just talk out loud.”
I think that is what my wife does. When trying to actively listen for so many years and trying to find the meaning all I get is the retelling of her day.
So I have burnt my ears out. I am very guilty of feigning interest and looking like I am listening while the words wash over me.
This is a rather long comment so I’ll cut it off here. But the last thing I want to say is that when I spoke to her last about listening and that I wanted to talk too, she thought I was leaving her.
Hmmm, maybe sending her you old link anonymously?
Regradless, I love her dearly and if the worst part of our relationship is that she doesn’t listen, then I’m doing just fine.
Francis
Francis Kopke’s last blog post..27 seconds
Jenny on October 22, 2008 at 3:02 pm • Permalink
“How many times has this been you or me? How many times has the need for love been right there on the tip of your tongue and you have pushed it down, shoved it back into the corner of your heart, turned out the lights and sat in the dark alone”
Too many times, especially when I shouldn’t, but it’s not always that easy to ask for or speak up.
Jenny’s last blog post..Moments
Kool Aid on October 23, 2008 at 11:39 am • Permalink
Wow, that is my life! Sometimes my husband and I do have real conversations, but often we only have the superficial ones leaving the rest unspoken.
You are absolutely right on with your post. If we can’t talk to our partners in life, who can we talk to?
Kool Aid’s last blog post..gourmet apples and a shout out
Wendi on October 23, 2008 at 12:21 pm • Permalink
Kool Aid,
We did perform this on Sunday and we heard “This is our Life” from a lot of people. You are NOT alone. But it can be turned around.
We all agreed on Sunday that the darn TV is no help!
Jenny,
It IS hard, but NOT hopeless. And it isn’t just me and you. It’s everyone. And we get to start over every day and try to do better.
Rita,
You are right that silence can speak very loudly but I don’t prefer it. I have someone in my life that uses the SILENT TREATMENT to get her point across. That doesn’t go over to well with me. For one, I’m not playing 20 questions with you to melt the ice. I don’t like mind games.
Wendi on October 23, 2008 at 12:24 pm • Permalink
Hi Evelyn,
The play was a big success. Everyone could relate to it. I read your post on communication and it was excellent. I taught a worshop on it for Realtors and you covered a lot of the same points in your post. I can’t recall if I ever got all the way through all of the comments to leave you a comment or not that day, so I’m mentioning that here!
Jannie on October 26, 2008 at 2:12 pm • Permalink
At night, when Kelly’s put to bed and Hubby I have the t.v. on, he loves it when I massage his neck with my left hand while using my right for my laptop. Works for us!
Jannie’s last blog post..My Big Eye