IF
March 30, 2008
Note:
For the weekend, I would like to post a poem that has been an inspiration to me as I have gone through my journey of Life’s Lessons.
I have this taped next to me as I work, and I use it as part of my guiding values. Enjoy, and a huge thank you to all of the readers who are coming here. I am very grateful for you all.
IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowence for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream-and not make dreams your master;
If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch and toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
and never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except theWill which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings-nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of a distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And-which is more-you’ll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling
The Do’s and Don’ts of Getting Mad
March 29, 2008
I’m not in a good mood today.
There are reasons for that, and they are not worth going in to; they are no different than everyone else’s reasons for not being in good moods all over the place.
Things have irritated me. Things are out of my control. I don’t seem to be in charge at the moment. I’m not getting my way. I am feeling like a brat.
I am mad.
I am an Italian/Irish woman. I don’t mean to generalize, and I am sure it isn’t true of all Italian /Irish women, but it shouldn’t come as any surprise to anyone that once in awhile I get mad. I seem to have inherited all the typical stubborn, obstinate pig-headed genes available from both groups. Oh, and the temper ones too.
Over the course of my lifetime, I have had many “opportunities” to work on this life lesson. There is a saying that until you have mastered a life lesson it keeps returning to you.
Well…I guess I’m not done with this one yet. Put it in the “work in progress” category.
Yet, I will say that I have made significant improvement. (OK, that snickering you are hearing in the background is coming from my children, ignore them please,) The journey has been arduous and at times, I will admit to set-backs, but compared to the temper of my youth and the way I used to react to it, I swear, I am getting better.
For example, what would have set me off in my youth to become a door-slamming screaming monster with a rage-filled face, progressed to a yelling, slamming things down and walk out of the room person of my twenties and thirties.
I like to think that in my forties, I am becoming more mature. Sometimes. I don’t recall slamming anything for years and years. Yelling has been reduced to very short outbursts here and there more to make a point then in actual anger. It’s more what I like to think of as “animated speaking”. But real angry, mad outbursts are much, much better.
It helped that I chose to align myself with a very peaceful mate. His almost Zen-like ability to stay calm at all times and never raise his voice is a mystery to me, (and oh by the way, he is Irish too,)and one I am trying to emulate. It turns out, if you want to have a calm life, hang out with calm people.
Over the years, I have worked out some ways to curb my temper that have proven to be more successful than waving my arms wildly in the air and screeching like a lunatic. Most of them I have stumbled on by trial and error, having found some not so successful ones and then narrowing down the list to a workable handful.
For any of you out there who may be suffering the fate of temper with me, I thought I’d share my do’s and don’ts of getting mad. (Honest disclosure: having figured out the list doesn’t mean I am always in 100% compliance. Think of it more as a goal list.)
Wendi’s Do’s and Don’ts of Getting Mad
1. DO: Pour yourself a nice glass of wine, or tea, or water, go find a nice comfy couch and go sit quietly for a little while. Reflect on what is really making you mad. My experience is that it usually isn’t the first thing you thought it was. That might have been the trigger, but there is something underneath. Better go scratch it for awhile and see what comes up.
DON’T: Drink the whole bottle of wine and give yourself a hangover or a crying jag. Too much alcohol has rarely made a bad temper feel any better.
DO: Write your feelings in a journal to help you explore and get to the real deal. Explore your part in the experience and do some-soul-searching. What can you learn? How can you grow? What can you change and do differently? Where is your measure of personal responsibility?
DON’T:Fire off a nasty e-mail or write out your darkest secrets on the Internet unless you are willing to have a future employer tack that on to your resume some day. As my mother always said “Don’t put anything in writing that you aren’t willing to see in the newspaper.” If you have journaled out stuff that can get you in trouble, shred it or burn it as soon as you are done. It’s your therapy, not your confession.
Do: Call a trusted friend for an uplifting, happy conversation on any other topic. Plan something fun, listen to all the things going on in their life, see if there is anything you can do to be a help to them. Get inspired. Go for a walk. Get distracted.
DON’T: Call a friend and regurgitate a boatload of garbage on to them. Especially don’t do it over and over and over. All this does is keep you mad and cost you friends. Whatever gossip you feel compelled to drop on them will spread like fire and leave them doubting your integrity and trust when they have something important to share.
Do: Look for the win-win solution. In almost every circumstance, if you look hard enough, there is a win-win solution to the problem. Focusing on the solution defuses the anger by helping you to look at both sides of the issue objectively. It is hard to stay angry when you are actively helping someone win. Ever try to cheer for someone you are mad at? Once you are cheering for them, you can’t stay mad. They become your team-mate and you are on the same side.
DON’T: Look for revenge. Revenge is the lighter fluid of mad. Revenge turns everything nasty, bitter and ugly. Once revenge has entered the game, nobody wins. Especially you. It might seem sweet in the imagination, but it is vile what it does to the body, mind and spirit. The second it enters you mind, shut it out, not for their good, do it for your own good.
DO: Sit down calmly and quietly and share your enlightened thoughts and feelings at a later time. Express your concerns, offer ideas for solutions. Imagine that you are in a very professional business setting with the highest level executive. Use language that you would use with the most respected person you know. Be honest. Be authentic, don’t say what you think they want to hear, make sure the solutions are solutions you can actually abide by so that you don’t get mad all over again later.
DON’T: Sit and stew about it. Don’t give the cold shoulder and hope that someone notices that you are mad and comes to rescue you out of your madness. Don’t whine and don’t sigh. No one likes a martyr. No one wants to play fifty questions guessing why you might not be happy today.
DO: Forgive and forget. Move on. We are learning and living at our own pace and we all make mistakes. I’ve made my fair share…probably more…I have no right to sit in judgment about anyone else’s mistakes.
DON’T: Hold a grudge. Don’t Hate. Both of these emotions will hurt you more than they will ever hurt the target of those emotions. I personally hate snow (can’t help it) but the snow could care less. Until I find a way to change my attitude, the only one being harmed by my hatred is me. The snow certainly hasn’t changed its behavior! Human targets are no different!
I don’t think any of these Do’s and Don’t are naturally easy. Except maybe to my Zen-like husband. The rest of us have to work on various aspects of them. We are “works in progress” that can improve with focus and desire.
Oh…did I forget the most important one?
DO: Speak in a calm and peaceful tone.
DON’T: ……….YELL!!!!!
Catch on Fire but Don’t Burn the Laundry
March 27, 2008
” Catch on Fire with Enthusiasm and People will Come from Miles to Watch You Burn”
John Wesley
There are days that the moment my feet hit the floor, I am driven by the desire, the passion, the very need, to succeed at my mission. Whatever that mission may be at the time, I can not drive the singular focus out of my head. It is a drumbeat, a rhythm, an obsession that calls to me. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing, I am pulled back to the mission, the plan…the goal…and I am practically useless to anyone or anything else.
My close friends and family call this Wendi’s “radar focus”. It is my best secret for success and my biggest flaw all rolled into one.
I can’t help it.
One thing I am an expert on is enthusiasm. When I catch on fire, its hard to put me out. It can take entire fire departments to derail me and get me back to the land of the living. Smoke ends up all over the place, and things can end up in a big mess as I probably haven’t even looked around at anything else other than my goal for a long time.
One of the things that I have been working in the past few years is balancing my surge of enthusiasm with living in the day to day”real world”. The simple ( well, simple for other people) act of managing parenting and household tasks, along with working, while in the throws of unbridled enthusiasm for a project is very difficult for me to balance. For most people, this is where the enthusiasm starts to ebb away. For me, this is where the laundry starts to pile up.
Often, I get comments from people that know me regarding my enthusiasm. “Man, I wish I had half of your enthusiasm” they say.
That part is easy. Here you go:
Wendi’s Tips for Getting out of Bed on Fire:
1. Find your passion. Name something you feel very strongly or passionately about or something that you have always wanted to do. Journal it, daydream it, play the “If I could do anything I wanted and fear or money was no object, what would it be?” game. Ask yourself what you want your legacy to be at the end of your life. What would you like to be remembered for? What do you most regret having NOT done so far in your life? If there is an answer to any of these questions write it down.
2. Make a list. Write down every single reason you have not taken action on that goal. Look at that list. Everything on that list that has to do with fear, cross off. It doesn’t count. Never run your life based on fear. Dare to fail. It’s good for you. Everything else on that list is a learning experience, not an obstacle. Start numbering them and start learning. Accept no excuses as to why you can’t learn about those things.
3. Start seeing the possibilities. Get out a new piece of paper and write down what your life will look like after you have succeeded in your goal. Will the world be a better place? Will you have improved as a person? See the vision. Make an action plan with the items that were left on your list. Make sure you put it in writing. Just thinking about it isn’t good enough.
4. Break down the vision into reachable goals. Once it starts to look doable, your confidence will start to build. Once you begin to believe it is achievable, the spark of enthusiasm will start to ignite.
5. Fan the flames. Read as much inspirational material as you can from several sources. Zig Zigler, James Allen, Jim Rohn are three sitting on my desk right now. Currently popular are The Secret and Law of Attraction. Whatever feeds your fire is great, but feed it you must, fires require oxygen and positive energy is the enthusiastic fire’s fuel.
6. Proclaim your vision to visionaries-not vampires.Sharing your goals and dreams with other like-minded positive, energetic, enthusiastic people will create a windstorm of energy flowing in your direction. You will feel the current as it swirls around, creating ideas, solutions and connections that you never even dreamed possible. Conversely, share your dreams with an energy vampire and watch them suck the life-energy and confidence right out of your soul. Stay away from them if you can, but for sure, DON’T tell them your plans!
7. Speak the language. Watch the words that are allowed to come out of your mouth. The Bible says “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God.” Do yourself a favor and take this one literally. Words are king! They have the power to affect thought and action. The language of enthusiasm is positive, energized, creative, fun, adventurous, electrified! Don’t speak the language of the defeated, the downtrodden, the bored, the worn out…feel how the energy goes up and down? Keep your energy supercharged with supercharged words.
8. Create a community of Enthusiasts. When I was in Real Estate, I found that the average Realtor was very competitive with other Realtors and therefore did not function in a state of community with other Realtors. It was hard to keep enthusiasm going day after day, year after year all alone in such a stressful job. That is one of the reasons that burn out in that field is very high. Several of us top-producers got together and created a small group that met monthly to brainstorm, share tips and ideas and build enthusiasm. It created synergy and made us all better than we would have been working alone. Helping others to succeed will always help you to build more excitement for yourself. It’s fun and its rewarding. Energy builds energy.
9. Absorb the Vision. Create a written one or two sentence mission statement for your goal and read it and say it out loud to yourself every day. Say it the first thing when you wake up in the morning. Say it the last thing as you are drifting off to sleep at night. Don’t fall asleep listening to the news or negative information. Fall asleep thinking about your mission, reading information about it or writing in your journal about it. You will wake up ready to hit the floor on fire!
10. Keep Physically fit. Make sure your body can keep up with your brain! Its hard to stay on fire, when you are exhausted, sick, sleep-deprived, starving or hung-over. Schedule in time for exercise breaks, healthy meals, fresh air and plenty of sleep.
Now about that second part? Like I said, it’s a work in progress.
I am not an expert on being enthusiastic with balance. Maybe Leo over at Zen Habits can write about that when he is finished with his book, or one of you will have better tips.
So far, what has been helping me is to create rituals that I can do automatically without thinking. The key to this is the “not thinking”part, because I will be up in my head somewhere writing or creating or wondering up a big “what if I do this?” idea for my project. Having systems and routines in place that can happen on auto-pilot has been a huge help. FlyLady.net has been a big help in getting me started with morning and evening routines that have become a daily habit.
Here are just a few of the things that FlyLady has taught us that are making a difference in keeping me on fire without setting the house on fire too. Her website FlyLady.net will explain everything in detail.
1. Create rituals for daily maintenance items. Lay out clothes the night before, pack lunches, get the coffee ready, and her most important one…shine the sink and lay out a fresh towel! It is remarkable how lovely it is to wake up to a shiny sink!
2. Do a load of clothes every day. Wash, dry and put away. Keeping that mountain of laundry from taking over has been a huge help at our house!
3. You can’t clean clutter, get rid of it! The more I do this, the better off we are. Period. End of story.
4. Swish and swipe bathrooms as you “go”. It only takes a few minutes. Really.
5. Plan out weekly dinner menus in advance. Write them on the calendar so you don’t have to think about it, while you are busy thinking about other things!
6. Spend Fifteen Minutes. It’s amazing how much you can do in fifteen minutes. Set a timer and promise yourself that you will spend fifteen minutes on something. You will be surprised how much you get done. Start sneaking in those extra 15 minutes and they start to add up.
I would love for you to leave me your ideas on this too! Although I have come a long way, the only thing I am really good at balancing is my exercise ball! Feel free to send in your tips! I could use them!
A Bright Light in the Darkness
March 25, 2008
“I never will understand all the good that a simple smile can accomplish”
Mother Teresa
A bright light went out on Friday. It faded peacefully after a lifetime of shining; illuminating lives with joy and love and especially laughter, everywhere it glowed.
I knew this woman for only a weekend in my life. One would think that a weekend couldn’t make a lasting memory or touch a heart with such power or force as to render said heart bruised and aching at her passing.
One would be wrong.
I am privileged to count myself among the lucky ones who knew her. Even if my time was short, it was blessed with joy and honor and awe for such a woman.
In her nineties, she traveled from Hawaii to the Midwest just for a weekend, to witness the wedding of a nephew. She was an honored guest and seated at the head table during the rehearsal dinner, she joined in conversations with passion and conviction. Her smile and energy lit up the room.
She had fun. And her fun was contagious. Just the simple act of watching her take pleasure in the world around her, compelled you to take another look, see through her eyes, and take in the beauty as she saw it.
She enjoyed everything and everyone. Every time I glanced over at her table during the wedding, she was a beam of light glowing in her chair. Her effervescence bubbled up within me, like the finest champagne and I was drunk in her presence. Enchanted, enthralled.
I adored her.
It was hard for her to hear. Harder still for her to walk. I am told she tired easily. None of these things were apparent when you saw her. What you noticed was her smile. What you noticed was her glow. What you remembered was her gratitude and the love that poured out of her. Even for a stranger girl that she barely knew.
I can only hope that on my best day I will someday reach that level of…something.
I’m not even sure it’s tangible enough to put in writing. Perhaps it’s a combination of virtues that finally come together in a symphony of joy.
I would love to believe that I am on my way to my nineties learning how to achieve love, joy, peace, gratitude and forgiveness. She remembered to add in fun. I can be guilty of leaving that one out, being more familiar with the driven, task focused side of my nature. The side of me that is usually in charge is the one that was raised to think you don’t play until your work is done-and oh by the way, a woman’s work is never done. I actually have to make it a goal to relax and play.
I think I’m getting better. She has inspired me to want more for myself. To be more, to see more, enjoy more. I want to be a bright light that shines. A smile that glows. A person that has fun and enjoys life. I don’t want to look down at my funeral and hear them say “she worked too hard, she never had any fun.”
I want them to say “A bright light has gone out today…”
The Mind Garden
March 21, 2008
” A man’s mind might be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild, but whether cultivated or neglected, it must and will bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weeds will fall therin, and will continue to produce their kind.”
James Allen
There is a picture of my oldest son when he was three years old, standing in a field of dandelions on a bright, summer day.
In his hand is a dandelion stem, and on his face a puzzled frown, for he had just blown away his first puff of white dandelion seeds. They can be seen drifting away in the breeze behind him. He had not expected to lose his flower, but this new discovery brought a fun delight. Soon, the air was snowing with the white fluff of blown dandelion seeds.
I think about this memory often in the spring time when the gentle breezes send varieties of seeds and weeds into my garden. I imagine other little children blowing their flowers and sending them innocently into the air, not realizing that I will be fighting those weeds with a vengeance in my garden. It makes me giggle. Ah, how the actions of one can affect another….
The garden of the mind is a more sneaky matter. It’s harder to keep track of all the seeds and weeds that are blowing into that garden. Even the most diligent mind-gardener, careful to prepare the soil with fertile compost and wholesome nutrients is constantly bombarded with weed after weed in our daily lives.
There are countless weeds coming at us all the time. Weeds with thorns of violence, weeds that breed bramble bushes of negativity, weeds of depression and inactivity are just a few that we are in constant battle with.
How can we fight the bombardment of weeds on the mind?
It isn’t hopeless. There are things we can do.
Gardening Tricks for the Mind Garden
Fill it with flowers. It’s a gardener’s secret that if the soil is full, then it is harder for the weeds to take. Be proactive in filling your mind with the flowers of your choice. Plant your seeds close together so that the weeds can’t take hold.
Create your own unique design. Peaceful, positive, challenging, enlightening, artistic, inventive, or whatever interests you. What would you like your mind-garden design to be? Create a plan. Put it in writing. Look at it. The brain is a malleable organ soaking up everything it is exposed to. You have an amazing amount of control over what goes into your brain. Choose to exercise that control and plant your garden the way you want it.
Pull the Weeds. Next, pull the existing weeds out. You might have to look closely to identify the weeds in your life. Some weeds look remarkably like flowers. Or they have been there for so long that we just haven’t paid any attention to them before. It might be that they are in everyone else’s garden so we thought they must be OK. Take a deep look. Once you have planned your garden design, there won’t be any more room for weeds that will take away from the plan you want. Be very selective. Pull them all! Weeds breed more weeds. Gardeners know that one weed has lots of friends.
Fill in the empty spaces with new flowers. While it takes effort and time to cultivate friendships and learning, it takes amazingly very little effort to cultivate weeds. You can do nothing but leave them in your life and they will grow and breed and take over. Once you have removed them don’t let them back in. It’s a battlefield in the garden and the weeds plan to win! Once you have removed them, fill that space up with new flowers. Remember to water and fertilize and feed those new flowers. Take time and attention, carefully care for them and they will reward you with their beauty and fragrance.
Stay Alert. A gardener must always be alert and on the look-out for stealth weeds that sneak in looking like flowers, promising to be a good thing in your life, only to end up taking over the whole garden. Keep in mind, that many nice flowers, if left to over-breed can become weeds in the wrong situation. You must choose wisely with balance and determine what are the most important flowers to fill your mind with and in what proportions.
Spend time. A Master Gardener knows you should spend time on your garden every day. Take a walk through it, enjoy it, meditate in it. Get inspiration from it. A beautiful garden will give back much more than you ever will have to put in to it, especially a beautiful mind-garden. Daily maintenance keeps the job from not getting overwhelming and keeps the weeds at bay.
You can’t escape having a mind-garden. It will be planted. What goes into that garden is up to you one way or another, by choice of doing something, or by choice of doing nothing.
It’s still a choice.
How is your mind garden doing these days?
Haven House or Hazard House?
March 20, 2008
“Like it or not, the personalities of our homes are accurate barometers that reflect, through our surroundings, where we have been, what’s going on in our lives, and who we are–today, this moment–though not necessarily where we are heading.
Sarah Ban Breathnach
In my kitchen, hanging on a twine, is a chalkboard. It faces the entrance so that anyone who enters can read it if they choose. It also hangs next to my coffeepot, so that the words written on it are the first words that I see every morning when I stumble into the kitchen to make my morning pot of inspiration. Written on the chalkboard are the words:
Our Home is a Haven of Peace, Joy, Love,
Friendship, Family and Fun for All who Enter
Welcome Home
Over the years, these words have become known as the Haven House Mission Statement. Truthfully, its just a piece of my personal mission statement that has been evolving over the last several years.
It wasn’t created overnight. Inspired by reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephan Covey, I sat one night in the late-nineties to make the first attempt at my personal mission statement. One of the categories I created was for our home. I had made business mission statements before, yet for no reason that I can justify, had never taken the time to do one for my personal life at home.
I jotted down one simple sentence. Our home is a haven for all who enter.
Then I took an honest look around. Our home was anything BUT a haven. It was a loud, messy, worn-down, cluttered, tension-filled shell of a place that I didn’t even want to be in, let alone have anyone else come into. The children were fighting, the honey-do list was longer than a month-long grocery list, and the laundry was a never-ending battle that could not be won. I hated my house. I hated my life. I was depressed.
I followed Covey’s advice and wrote my new affirmation on paper where I could see it every day. For a while, the disconnect between the life I wanted and the life I was living, did nothing more then add fuel to the frustration. Still, I looked at the sentence every day. I began to think about it at odd times in the day, the sentence just popping into my mind. I started to add to it, as I began to see the goal more clearly. I wanted a happy home, filled with joy. A place where family and friends felt comfortable stopping by or coming for dinner.
I began to see visions of what I wanted in my mind. Daydreams and little mind-movies would play out in my head of happy family scenes. I realized that in real life we weren’t having any fun. We just went through the day-to-day motions of life, getting through each day’s checklist, hurried and hassled, falling into bed exhausted and worn out.
What was the purpose? Any vision or dreams I may have once had were gone. I was overweight and tired, living in chaos and confusion.
Outwardly, away from home, my life during those years was a huge success. Yet nothing, no award, no dollar value could make me feel like a superstar when I walked through my front door. I felt like a failure living in Hazard House.
I resolved that things had to change. At the time, I had no idea what it was, but I knew that things could not remain the same any longer.
I started asking myself the difficult questions.
Why had I been willing to live like this if I was so unhappy?
When had I lost track of my life’s goals and purpose?
Why didn’t my family and friends feel comfortable in my home? Why had I shut them out? Had I? Had I let business come before family? Was I choosing not to be with them? If so why?
If there wasn’t any fun, peace and joy in my life, then why not? Where had it gone?
What did I need to do to get it back?
I had to dig deep to find the answers to these questions and others. I wrote the answers in my journals as they came to me, surprising myself with some of the answers.
The answers didn’t come overnight. Some of them took years. They were tough, very personal and painful. When the answers finally came, change started to happen. Slowly at first, small changes, then big ones. I changed personal relationships. I started focusing on friendships with people who were positive, joyful, loving. The type of people I would want to invite over. I found support systems to help me organize the challenge of a messy home. Flylady.com helped to create a system to end the clutter and disorganization. I changed my job. Twice. I was no longer willing to settle for something that didn’t fit in to our vision of what our life needed to be. I lost weight. I learned to cook healthy, good food that people might actually want to come over and enjoy.
Now that the vision was clear of what I wanted in life, I was blessed to find a partner who shared that vision. I married my husband who shares in the same vision and goals for Haven House and our family.
I am not saying that the journey is complete. The Haven House Mission Statement hangs there every day as a constant reminder that the work is never done. I can say we have more haven then hazard these days and there are plenty of family and friends laughing and filling our home with joy.
I think most of us have mind-movies playing in our heads about what the perfect family life could be like. That life would be different for each of us. Media and the busyness of modern day may have us convinced that those dreams can’t come true for us. Sports schedules and calendar management make family dinner time dangerously close to extinction in some families.
It doesn’t have to be this way. We can take back our families. We just have to decide what we want. Visualize it. Write it down. Look at it.
What would your home mission statement be?
Meandering Toward the Goal
March 18, 2008
Last night I dreamt about a good friend that I haven’t talked to in almost a year. In the dream, we were sitting on bar stools, catching up with each others lives, chatting about how things were going since the last time we had spoken.
I shared with her how I started this blog and how fun it is, the interesting people I have been meeting and all of the ideas I have for future posts.
We chatted on about the concept of the inspirational and motivational blog and she reminded me that we had spoken about the subject ten years ago. “Don’t you remember?” she asked.
I suddenly remembered a conversation that we had shared in real life over ten years ago, in which I had confided my dreams of being a motivational writer and a motivational speaker when I turned fifty.
“Well,” she said in the dream, “You are on your way to the first part, now let’s figure out how you are going to get from here to the second part.”
We then sat with pen and paper in the dream and plotted out the path step-by-step to make my goals happen in real life.
I sprang out of bed this morning, running for pen and paper to write them down before I forgot them all.
As I drank my morning coffee, sitting in the dark before the chaos of waking children began, I pondered the ability that our brains, or subconscious, has to keep track of our hopes and dreams, even when we aren’t actively doing so.
I hadn’t consciously been thinking about motivational speaking. I am two years away from fifty yet. It hasn’t crossed my mind in the last several months. I will say that it has been something I have mentioned from time to time over the years. The-what would you do if money was no object and you knew you couldn’t fail-question is always answered with that response.
I would be a full time writer and a motivational speaker.
I have been completly radar-focused on writing lately though and haven’t even given public speaking a second thought. Even my other passion, painting, has taken a back seat right in the middle of a half-completed watercolor of an eagle, which does haunt me a bit, but not enough to pull me away from writing to go finish it.
Yet here is my subconscious moving way ahead of me, long before I am even out of baby steps in the first phase of my new adventure, to give me a vision of how I can proceed to the next phase.
Napoleon Hill wrote in the book, Think and Grow Rich, the following statement:
“The human mind is constantly attracting vibrations which harmonize with that which dominates the mind. Any thought, idea, plan or purpose which one holds in one’s mind attracts a host of its relatives, adds these “relatives” to its own force, and grows until it becomes the dominating, motivating master of the individual in whose mind it has been housed.”
He goes on later to make it clear that the mind does not distinguish between constructive or negative thought impulses and warns about the dangers of filling the mind with thoughts based on negativity, doubt or fear. He stresses repeatedly the importance for filling the mind with positive, purposeful thoughts and ideas.
My goals have been written down for decades. I have not wavered from my desires. Still, I can’t honestly say that I have marched stubbornly in a straight, solid line toward my destiny. I took many detours along the way. There have been times of deep emotional fog and confusion when I would have guessed I was very off course, that my life had taken a sharp detour, only to realize later that the skills or people that I had met along the way had brought me that much closer to the goal. I can look back at even the failures, perhaps especially the failures, and see how in hindsight they are valuable insights and tools to have in my life lessons bag.
Today I feel inspired by a dream and the path seems clear. There are very few days when the clouds part and the vision looks so surprisingly vivid and simple to follow.
Tomorrow, the vision may go the way of most dreams and reality may step in with its complications and sidetracking obligations to send me back down the meandering path toward my goal. But it is nice to have that reminder that underneath my day to day toil, there is another force at work, silently moving along, creating that chain of experiences to take me to my goal, even when I can’t see the links. All I have to do, is keep moving towards the light and keep the faith.
As Lucky as a Four-Leaf Clover
March 17, 2008
My oldest daughter has had the nickname of Lucky for as far back as I can remember. Even as a little girl. She is one of those people that seem to have all the luck. There is one in everyone’s life, who seems to jump to the head of the line effortlessly, while the rest of us toil and sweat just to make ends meet.
“Geezzz…” mumble, mumble, “Why does she get all the luck?”
“Gosh, darn, guess she was just born under a lucky star…”
And the nickname was born.
Being her mother, I have had a close opportunity to observe this Lucky Star Girl for all of her years now, childhood to adult. Through the years, it became clear that there were some consistent elements at work that had a strong impact on her ability to receive this so called luck. During the times that she followed these habits, her percentage of luck was very high. During other times, (after all, she was once a teenager too) when her habits were less in play, she would sometimes say, “Maybe my nickname should be Un-lucky instead.”
There are several traits that successful “lucky” people have in common. Often these traits go unnoticed by others, who can’t seem to understand why their ship is taking so long to sail in, and all the lucky people get boat after boat.
After seeing first hand how this luck works, I have observed the following “good-luck” principles.
1. Lucky People know what they want and believe they can achieve it.
They have a clear-cut goal in mind and they can visualize the outcome. They rehearse the end result often in their mind, seeing themselves as already having achieved victory.
This has been written about in several ways by several authors. Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People lists this as Habit #2, Begin with the end in Mind. Zig Zigler, author and motivational speaker, sums it up in three easy to remember words. Plan, Prepare and Expect.
2. Lucky People are focused, driven and passionate.
Since it is St. Patrick’s Day, I suppose it’s only fair to admit that my daughter has a lot of the good Irish blood running through her veins. In her case, we can add good old-fashioned stubborn to the mix and I think that’s true of most other “Lucky” successful people as well. Once the target has been fixed in their mind, they are on a one-track train to get there. It is virtually impossible to move them off their goal. Naysayers, who enjoy telling them just how impossible their goal will be, are often frustrated to find that their words are falling on deft ears. Their negativity will not sink in.
3. Lucky People refuse to quit, but are willing to fail.
No matter how difficult the challenge becomes, lucky people don’t give in and they don’t give up. They realize that just when you think you have hit the end, that victory is often right in front of you. They also realize that along the way, failure is going to happen. They are willing to jump out of their comfort zone and take a chance. They don’t operate out of a fear of failure, but from a love of learning. They use failure as means to gain new experiences and lessons and come back to the goal, smarter and wiser.
4. Lucky People are willing to do the dirty work.
They are the ones that say YES to the nasty jobs that no one else wants to do. They aren’t afraid to start out at the bottom and work their way up. They are hard working and energetic and seem to have their fingers in more pies than everyone else. They see the work that needs to be done as opportunities and are often the one doing all the extra little things and tying up the loose ends. This puts them in a perfect position to just “happen to be there” when opportunity is knocking on the door.
5. Lucky People are nice to themselves and others.
One of the reasons my daughter has the nickname of “lucky” is because of her happy-go-lucky nature. In fact, her happy, smiling, bubbly personality masks the focused, driven side of her personality so much that often people who have known her for a good while don’t notice that it’s there. She isn’t one of those Type A-waiting for a heart- attack-get out of my way- type of goal-driven people. She might work too hard, and not get enough sleep, (something a mother is good for nagging her about) but she has a great sense of humor, can laugh at her mistakes, a positive self-esteem and positive self-talk. She isn’t always putting herself down or beating herself up over every little mistake. She has many great friends and is a team player who is always looking for ways to help others succeed. Because people love to be around her and genuinely like her, it’s a common thing for fun, interesting ideas or lucky things to happen when they all get together.
My daughter was over this weekend for our annual St. Patrick’s Day party. She was wearing her four-leaf clover necklace, which she never takes off. She says it’s her Good Luck Charm. I asked her what her secrets of good luck were. She answered me in one sentence, spoken in her best Forrest Gump sounding voice.
Lucky is, as Lucky does.
I thought that just about summed it up. Happy St. Patrick’s Day and Good Luck.
That’s Not Fair…
March 14, 2008
Children are born with a built-in sense of fairness. One that is quite challenging to any parent who has ever had to settle a disagreement on fairness.
Siblings interacting with each other keep their keen little eyeballs peeled for even the slightest infraction of injustice. Every parent knows that failure to pour liquid into two matching glasses in exactly the same identical amounts will reward you with howls of “That’s NOT FAIR! He/She got MORE than me!”
If I had a nickel for every time I have lost my patience and muttered back, “Life isn’t fair, get used to it.”…Well, let’s just say that I haven’t been presented with my Lifetime Achievement Award in parenting yet.
Scott M. Peck in his best selling book, The Road Less Traveled, starts out with this thought-provoking statement:
Life is Difficult
On the surface, this statement may elicit a thought such as “Well, duh, anyone who has bought a gallon of gas lately knows that!”
Perhaps it doesn’t seem like such a provocative statement in this day and age after all.
Yet it is precisely our reaction to the opening line that is of interest. It isn’t that we don’t know that life is difficult; it’s how we feel about it that matters. It’s what we do about it that makes the difference in our daily lives.
Do we accept that life is difficult and accept that there is no such thing as fair? Do we move on from there and use our choices, talents, goals, and energy to reach the next level?
Or do we, like small children, keep our eyeballs peeled for the injustices done to us, whining about every obstacle, getting dragged down by the unfairness of it all? If we are honest, the answer probably lies somewhere in the middle.
To be clear, I am not speaking of the great injustice of human suffering. I’m not speaking of rampant poverty, murder and the unspeakable evils that can’t be explained.
I am talking about the day-to-day expectation of fairness that our inner-child still secretly longs for. The child that keeps getting disappointed and wants to whine and shout, That’s not fair…” when the guy who wasn’t as qualified (in our opinion) gets the job over us. When the annoying woman ahead of us in the parking lot rushes to take the last parking space. When our spouse or dear friend makes some remark that sets our teeth on edge or our hair on fire. All the pouting and huffing over the extra work that is never noticed or the countless unreciprocated moments of our lives that we will never get back again.
There is no such thing as fair.
How do we handle it? What are our options?
We can still play fair. Stubbornly believe in the hope that others like us would like it to be fair. We could not treat others as if this is a dog-eat-dog world with all illusions of fairness blown out the window so who cares.
We have all learned that we need to give without expecting back. Love without expecting love in return. Work without expecting that next jump up the corporate ladder. Just do it because it is the right thing to do. Do it for the greater good. Do it for yourself, because believe it or not you’ll feel better in the end.
Very lofty ideas. Good ones. Hard to put in practice. Especially at 9:00 pm when I’m still washing dinner dishes, the kids are fighting and I’m feeling at that moment that the greater good would be to bang them with the pot lid….
I needed something more practical to get me through the day. So I came up with:
Wendi’s Practical Tips For Dealing with Your Own Whining “That’s Not Fair” Attitude.
1. Stop, Listen and Pay Attention.
As soon as you hear those magic words inside your head, train yourself to recognize them as a warning sound to alert you to trouble up ahead. Start paying close attention to your surroundings, your feelings and your physical well-being.
2. Zip the Lip
Immediately or as quickly as possible. Nothing good can come out of a conversation that comes from a whiny place. Hold your tongue until you have had time to analyze all of the facts and emotions that are in play.
3. Look in the Mirror First
We are often quick to point out what others are doing that is unfair before we have looked at how we are affecting the situation. Sometimes after a good hard look in the mirror, we see that things aren’t quite what they seemed after all. Maybe we were over-tired, too hungry, pumped up on caffeine. Perhaps our head wasn’t in the game, we were over-committed, or have under-delivered. What could we have done differently to make a change?
4. Re-examine Your Communication
Sometimes what we thought we said isn’t what they heard. Can we go back as partners and work out better ways of communicating with each other?
5. Don’t Spit in the Wind
There will be times when you have done everything on the checklist to be sure you are playing fair and the wind is just going to blow back in your face. Stop spitting in it. It doesn’t work and it never will. Ask yourself if this is a situation that you can really change or not. Some things you just can’t change. Learn when to walk away and shake it off. Don’t waste energy whining about it. Know that you did your best, release the guilt and let it go. There is too much to get done.
I think that somewhere inside, we all long for the day when life will get easier. That day isn’t coming. What can get easier is learning to take control of our actions and choices to improve our experiences in a difficult world. A lot of us spend a great deal of time spitting in the wind, only to end up with spit on our faces and we don’t even bother to ask why.
Life isn’t fair. What are you going to do about it?
Waiting for the Busy Bus
March 12, 2008
When I worked at my mother’s beauty shop, I observed an interesting life lesson that has remained branded in my head and nags at me if I ever dare to forget.
The lesson is the Danger of Waiting for the Busy Bus. Everyone has waited for the Busy Bus at one time or another in their lives. They might not have been aware of it, or perhaps have a different name for it. Or it’s just not something they think about very often, taking it for granted as part of their daily lives.
The Busy Bus is a phrase used in the beauty shop to stand for the imaginary bus that is going to someday drive right up to the front door filled to the brim with happy, smiling, loyal clients just waiting to spend their money.
Many of the young hairdressers fresh out of school - and some not so fresh - believed in the Busy Bus as a way to earn their living. They would stand by the front door, sighing, leaning on the broom, looking out on the horizon as if waiting for it to come by. They could stand there all day, just waiting and sighing, waiting and sighing, and at the end of the day go home, disappointed in how slow things were and wondering if tomorrow might be different.
Of course it never was, because the Busy Bus never came.
There are many Busy Buses in our lives that never come. Dreams, hopes, plans, which never live up to our expectations, that don’t show up the way we thought they would. Sometimes, like the hairdressers, we feel we’ve already done our part. They went to Beauty School, they took their test, they got their license. Now, where are those darn clients? Where the heck is that bus?
It doesn’t occur to them that there might be something more that they have to do. That it is an on-going process. That what they thought was the end of the hard work was really just the beginning.
Some dreams and plans die right there when we realize that the bus isn’t coming after all. The disappointment is too much. The rejection feels very personal. We head for a different bus stop and wait for a different bus.
But there is one way to increase the odds that the bus actually does show up. One way to stack the deck heavily in your favor that you will reach the goal that you desire.
You can be the Bus Driver.
You can go get that bus, get in the driver’s seat, find the right map and start following the directions for your dreams and goals. There are a few keys that will help you as you begin your drive down the road.
Break the large goal down into manageable chunks and look for the step-by-step processes that you will need to find to get you to the next level. Just take it one level at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself thinking about driving cross-country when you need to get to the next state.
Don’t be afraid to ask directions. Even bus drivers can get lost. Find the experts who have the information that you need and follow their lead. No one gets where they need to go alone. Build a network of masters within your road-map and brainstorm your plans with them. Watch how your creativity will soar.
Pick up passengers along the way. Helping others to get where they need to go builds good will and expands your circle of influence. Napoleon Hill said, “It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed.” His book Think and Grow Rich is an excellent guideline for “bus driving” lessons.
It’s never to late to learn. Take an honest look at your job skills. Are they up to date? Technology is changing faster than a speeding bullet. Are you keeping up? Even a year to six months out in some markets can put you in an obsolete position. Stay fresh. Make education part of your daily diet.
Take a look at the buses in your life. Are you waiting for the Busy Buses or are you driving the buses in your life?
Be the one that makes change happen. Be one that says, “This can be different starting now.” The one that’s going to make it happen is you. The one you are waiting for is you.
The Busy Bus isn’t coming unless you are driving it.
If you want to do something, just begin…..
March 11, 2008
It wasn’t long before the writer inside wanted to play too. Of course not having any idea how to blog was the first hurdle. Still is the first hurdle from the looks of things. The second hurdle is the what to write. So many hobbies and interests are batting about in my head, competing for blog space, what to choose was a blogstopper.
So, I have done nothing but read blogs and lurk and not participate in the community of blogging. I feel like a peeping tom some days, looking into the window of this interesting new world without coming to the door to announce my presence.
I want to blog. I want to write. I know that I don’t know what to do, or how to do it. I have many questions. I am quite sure I have started this all wrong and that this is a very impulsive, jump in the cold water with all my clothes on decision that I have made in starting this very meager little attempt at a blog.
But here I am. Wendi -the Blogger.
Sometimes, if you want to do something, you just have to start.
Sometimes, for me, when I want to do something, I just hit the ground running with both feet and then ask the questions while the rest of me catches up. The bruises from falling down and getting back up make for wonderful learning experiences.
White Knuckle Smiling
March 11, 2008
I am waiting with white knuckles now for any glimpse of spring. Please come. Please, God, bring warmth and sun to heal these frozen muscles and bones.
How do people keep smiling when they endure chronic daily pain? Fibromyalgia and a high school permanent back injury, which brought on arthritis, are the chronic ailments that I have to deal with. Both of them aggravated by cold weather. Yet, I know that I am much better off than many others who deal with much worse pain then mine. So I close my lips and look for the gratitude in my day. And the Advil.
My mother has owned a beauty shop in a small town for the last thirty years. I have known some of these clients for all of those thirty years and many for decades. I have watched them go from raising their kids to their senior years. I saw elderly folks go from their last years to the beyond. I watched teens and twenties become parents, business owners and mid-life crises survivors. One observation stands out. Happy, energetic, positive-attitude people do better. It doesn’t mean they are in less pain or are healthier. They just have a better life anyway.
They get up, get dressed to the best of their ability and are grateful to be around. They are interested in other people and what they are doing and are not focused on their own pain and suffering. They are too busy talking about all the other things going on in their lives to focus on themselves. People enjoy being around them, therefore; they have friends and family and interesting lives to talk about and care about. People and caretakers are more willing to offer assistance and help and sometimes even comment that it is a privilege to help the positive-attitude person because it is an up-lifting and rewarding experience.
Negative people, self-absorbed with their own suffering and pain are less enjoyable to be around, therefore; only the noblest and bravest souls survive hanging around them, or other miserable, guilt-ridden people like themselves. They end up with limited social options, opportunities, friends and even family members willing to help out. It has been very sad to watch these people get older and more alone as their advancing days closed in on them. More often than not, the end of their story was a very lonely tragic experience.
Happy chronic pain sufferers seem to have just accepted daily pain as part of their being and have moved on. They don’t focus on the unfairness of it. They don’t ask “Why me?” They find ways to work around it. They don’t spend their lives grieving for what they can’t do; they celebrate what they can do. They look for ways to be of service or help to others and be a part of their communities.
I have met so many of these people and they are very inspiring to me. They are the reason I have learned how to deal with the white knuckle days of back pain and muscle pain when it gets to be too much. I take a pain reliever, do some slow stretching and then get going on thinking about something and/or someone else. The world is a big place. There is much to be done. As long as I can keep on going and be grateful for all there is to do and be grateful that I CAN do it, I know I’ll be OK.
I want the warm weather. I’m told it will be here any day now if I can just hang in there. But while I’m waiting, I’m going to put on a happy smile, remember all the things I have to be grateful for, think about all the wonderful things I am looking forward to, and get as much done as possible so that when the warm weather comes, I will be able to go out and play.
The Legacy Lives On.
March 10, 2008
“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family.”
The air is hot and sticky in the backseat of my parent’s car in the summer of 1965. It is Sunday and we are leaving church where the three of us small children have sat obediently silent for the last hour, hands folded in our laps, lips closed, eyes focused on the preacher at all times. I am five years old. My two younger siblings are crowded on the seat next to me, dressed in our Sunday finery, itching to get out of these clothes. We are wiggly and fidgety now, barely concealing our excitement. We are on our way to Grandma’s house for Sunday dinner. Grandma’s house….my favorite time of the whole week.
Every Sunday of my childhood from those earliest days is the same memory. Waiting through church and going to Grandma’s house, which was actually two of my Grandma’s, my Great-grandma and my Grandma who lived together in a tiny three bedroom ranch. Their home, by anyone’s standards was small. One tiny bathroom, three small bedrooms, one small family room and a kitchen big enough for one person to cook and an eating area big enough to cram in a table. Somehow, like the miracle of fishes and loaves, that did not stop us from having our family, all of the aunts, uncles, cousins and grandkids over every single Sunday. My Grandmothers were Italian. In fact my Great-grandma Maria came over on the boat when she was 19. They spoke a combination of Italian and English to each other that no one else could understand. It was their own private code, and jabbering away in that tiny kitchen, meant for only one, they somehow got a giant amount of pasta, meatballs and sauce on the table to feed an army every single week.
All of us cousins ran around and played in the backyard before dinner. There were live ducks who laid eggs, which provided endless entertainment for chasing, and a cement pond that my grandfather had built, perfect for wading in. A swimming pool came along when I was eight and after that, we all learned to swim and dunk each other.
After dinner, the entire family played card games and talked until bedtime. We were crammed into chairs around the table with kids on laps, everyone talking at once, reaching over each other, laughing and joking and teasing each other with the same well worn lines that everyone knew by heart.
It was familia.
Family.
Both of my grandmothers died within three months of each other. They couldn’t seem to be apart for anything.
Sunday family dinners became a long lost wonderful memory.
My mother created wonderful family dinners growing up that had a similar feel. They were occasional and therefore very special. She was a wonderful cook who made elaborate gourmet dishes prepared with love on fine china. But something wasn’t there. Something was missing. I wasn’t getting that sense of comfort and cocooning that I had felt as a child.
I wanted my children to have that feeling, that hard to explain feeling of warmth and closeness that Sunday family dinners gave to me at grandma’s house. I just didn’t know how to do it.
It took me being a grandmother to figure it out.
It’s the commitment. The every single Sunday expectation and sameness. That’s what was missing. The reliability. The trust, the fun, the every week, let down your hair, not company coming over feel to it. The unwind from the week feel. The fact that it is just spaghetti and sauce means that we CAN play games and cards and focus on having fun together. Its not about the food, it’s about playing with each other and concentrating on being with each other.
Sunday family dinners are back now. My oldest children are grown and they come home on Sundays with their children. My children still at home look forward to them coming. The table is crammed full of people and it’s loud and full of laughter and the pasta is filled to the rim with sauce and meatballs. I’m the Grandma’s house now. It feels awesome and wonderful, like a finding something precious that you thought you had lost.
Last night, looking around the table, I was struck by the immense joy that I felt to be surrounded by a loving husband, who appreciates and cherishes family as much as I do, and to have all of our children and grandchildren right there at our table. I wondered if my grandmothers ever looked out at the vast family that they had given birth to and realized the wonderful legacy they were leaving behind. Probably not. For them, it was just another day in the kitchen. For me, it is a legacy I am proud to carry on.
Pig farms
March 8, 2008
It’s no good running a pig farm badly for thirty years while saying, “Really I was meant to be a ballet dancer.” By that time, pigs will be your style.Quentin Crisp
I thought I would become a writer when I turned fifty. I have been saying that since I was in my teen years. Teachers, friends, co-workers have commented from time to time, “Hey, you should be a writer.” and my response has always been ” I’m collecting life experiences so that I will have something to write about.”
I figured it would take until about fifty to have enough credible life experiences to be taken seriously.
And… I really believed myself.
What I didn’t see was the delay tactic of a big scared chicken. The unconscious desire to be liked more than the need to get out there and put pen to paper and risk the failure of someone not liking what I wrote.
Being a writer is a risky business. Oh sure, I’ve been doing Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages ( Author of the book the Artist’s Way) for thirty years, long before I ever heard of her or the concept. They are my hand-written journals, documenting the free-flow thoughts of my morning coffee, day after day, year after year. They are taking up space on my bookshelves where no one will read them until I am dead. The only risk in this is that someone might sneak a peak a little early.
Writing for public approval or pay carries a greater risk. Someone might not like you. Someone might not think you know what you are talking about. Someone might tell you you are wrong. Someone might think you were born missing the creative gene. Someone might think you are not worthy enough to carry the title of WRITER after your name.
Wendi Kelly, Writer.
I have worked in the corporate business writing world. As a writer. One would think that this would give a person a sense of reassurance. After all, I was paid to write and consult others about their writing. Yet somehow that venture out into the professional world of writing, working for the boss with the little red pen and nothing nice to say, did more to shake my confidence than all my school teachers combined.
I left that world feeling less like a writer then when I went in. I had become a word processor. Crank them up and spit them out. Cross the T’s and dot the I’s. Don’t get cute, don’t get funny, just say what needs to be said and get out….
I got out.
Now I want back in. In to the world of writing. Pick up the pen, feel the keys of the keyboard tapping under my fingers, clicking out my thoughts, my ideas, good or bad.
Ready to face rejection?
I am about to turn forty eight. Just a few years shy of the big Five-Oh. I guess maybe I have been collecting a giant bag of life experiences to write about, but more importantly, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons that have equipped me for the journey ahead. A huge one is the lesson of rejection.
You can’t hide from it.
It’s out there no matter what you do. So why run a pig farm if you wanted to be a ballet dancer? You still aren’t going to get away from rejection. Pig farmers get rejected too.
I’ll take my chances making my dreams come true.
