“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” ~Oscar Wilde
When I was twelve, I was a dark hurricane of emotion. I wrote deep angst-filled poetry, complex laments on how the world didn’t understand the creative artist that secretly lived within.
I yearned to be understood. I cried in my pillow, night after night, to be recognized for who I really was, and not for the fake, smiling, “Good little girl” that everyone saw on the outside.
One day, my mother-not known for her maternal patience- actually sat down and asked me what on earth was the matter with me.
I told her.
“Nobody loves me. I am all alone in the world, nobody is making me happy, I will never, ever, ever be happy as long as I live because I am unlovable.”
I remember that day as if it was right now this very minute. My mother took me in her arms and hugged me tightly. She made me homemade chocolate pudding. We snuggled in her big comfy bed and she shared example after example of how people had shown their love to me in my lifetime.
It worked. I felt loved. I went to bed with a full chocolate belly and a smile on my face.
It lasted…
About a week.
And then life swallowed me up again. The bullies at school got snotty. The pressure of being a perfectionist became overwhelming. The overly-extended people-pleasing smile on my face felt like it was going to crack right off.
I went to my mother again and burst into tears.
“Nobody loves me, I’m unlovable, nobody is making me happy, and I’ll never be happy as long as I live.”
I waited through my tears for my comforting hug and my hot chocolate pudding.
It didn’t come. Instead, I heard an impatient sigh and the sound of a dishtowel slapping over her shoulder. “Is that all? I told you last week that I loved you. It’s up to you to believe or not believe it. I don’t have time for this nonsense week after week after week. Maybe you should try loving yourself and making yourself happy- and other people- a little bit more first and then you’ll be able to see how much other people love you too.”
My mouth hung in gaping shock as she turned her back and walked away.
Like I said, my mother wasn’t born with the patience gene.
Her words stung. But after my long dramatic cry flung over the side of my bed, I started to think about her words. At first, they made about as much sense as algebra. Then a dim light began to dawn. It was true that I didn’t like myself very much. In fact it was more actually true that I mostly loathed myself and everyone else. I had no friends, I was lonely and I thought all of the kids in my class were stuck-up pigs.
Could it really be as easy as starting with liking my own self more?
The Dawning of a Friendship
It wasn’t an easy journey. I had several stops and starts along the way and struggled with key concepts that somehow eluded me.
I had trouble:
Accepting my imperfections. I was critical and mean to myself for every perceived infraction. I had to get perfect grades…or else. I weighed 110 pounds and wouldn’t wear shorts because I hated my “fat” short thighs and didn’t want anyone to see how ugly( I thought) they were. It took over a decade before I learned to love myself enough to accept my genetic Italian curves and not get sick to my stomach over a B grade.
Accepting personal responsibility. I blamed everyone else for all the problems I faced. (nothing was ever my fault) and continued to refuse to accept responsibility for not having any friends, the perfect life, or for my life not changing the way I wanted it to. It took a long time for me to understand that to HAVE friends; you have to BE a friend- without an agenda. When I finally stopped waiting for “friends” to find me, and started making connections, my entire world opened up. When I finally came up with my own life-changing plan and followed through– life changed fast.
Accepting that what I project, I receive. I really thought it should be the other way around. I thought the world should give to me first, and then…I’d become the kind, generous, loving person that I wanted to be. I thought the world should change me. I had a hard time breaking the “What do I get out of it.” mindset. When I finally understood that all change happens first within, and through me, before the world will even lift a finger…It was the beginning of a transformation.
Accepting that boundaries were a good thing. I had a really hard time with the concept of saying NO. But, eventually, I began to learn that to truly be my own friend, I had to start taking care of my own wants and desires, and some of the things I had been smiling through- I discovered I actually hated. I learned to walk away in love.
Accepting that vulnerability was the doorway to all loving relationships. I had the hardest time being vulnerable. I kept myself cloaked in a protective shell of safety that kept the world out, but sadly, kept me locked in a cage of loneliness and misery. I had to learn to trust– even when it hurt, tell the truth-even when it wasn’t what anyone wanted to hear, love-even when it broke my heart and to feel-even when all I felt was pain. When I did, the payoff was so much bigger and richer and deeper than feeling nothing at all and it was through letting the world in, that I was finally able to let love out- and in.
The Love that Cannot Lose
I’m not sure I can pinpoint the moment I began to feel loveable. It came is spurts and dissipating moments for the longest time. At least for a decade. Somewhere along the line, I had more days, weeks and then… months that I felt loveable than not. Then one day, I realized in my mid-twenties that I was happy and felt loved and lovable even in the midst of a horrible, dark ordeal that I was in the middle of experiencing. Though my life circumstances were at an all time low, I still had my friends, family and-my self-esteem. I liked myself. In fact- I could honestly say I loved myself. As it turned out, enough to stand up for myself and survive the darkest test I had ever been through and still feel love.
When You Love Yourself, the World Joins In
We would all love to have the comfort of a warm hug and a hot-chocolate reassurance from time to time. And, like my mom, once in awhile it’s an awesome thing. Even if you are in a full fledged love affair with yourself, you will still have those doubting days where you need the soft shoulder of a friend.
However, if that shoulder is the habit rather than the exception, and you find yourself on the constant drone of “Nobody loves me, my life sucks…” the good news is this: You don’t have time to wait for somebody to come along and change your world, you have important work to do. You- and you alone- have the power and ability to create the life you want. Learn to love yourself. I don’t promise it will be easy. But I do promise it will be worth it, it will be everlasting, and it will bring you more joy and happiness than you can even imagine.
