Part of my Authentic Self is that I Yell.
Sometimes I use swear words too. Not as a general rule, and if I’m using them, it’s a good idea that your feet should be running in the opposite direction, but yes, they have in fact been known to exit my mouth on occasion.
It’s also part of my authentic self that I am a Christian, think Buddha was awesome—and has some really good stuff to pay attention to. I also am quite fond of many other religions and think they all have a lot to teach us. I guess you could say I’m a world-wide religion Christian and yes, I might have just made that up.
I try to eat healthy every day and am convinced that chocolate is a health food and one of the great wonders of the world. I believe that Vegan food tastes great right along next to a blood red steak , eat fresh herbs from my garden, love to cook and yet once in awhile chow down on a juicy burger or a sloppy pizza.
I have energy in the morning and would be a blast to hang out with at 9:00 am, but by 9:00 pm, don’t take it personally if I am yawning at your jokes and looking sideways at my watch. I’m most likely thinking about my pajamas and how much I’d really like to be getting on with my evening meditation.
I hate messes but I’m an expert at making them. I despise clutter yet it it seems to be very attracted to me. I need to work in a clean environment and my creativity is best expressed in serenity and yet unless I am extremely focused and concentrating, I can leave a trail of mess behind me that can rival pigpen from the Peanuts series. Such is the life of a Creative Artist with ADHD.
I am not a size four or even a six these days. I vary between a ten and twelve depending on the clothes. I was a fourteen last year, so I am happy to report that my authentic self is a little less than it was before.
By the time this is published, I will have been practicing meditation for 100 days in a row, and have done my yoga and walking practice daily without missing for over a month.
I think before I embarked on this journey I erroneously believed that Yogi’s were perfectly tranquil people who breathed through serene days without contradictory lifestyle habits and certainly without feeling chased down by clutter monsters. I imagined that they were thin like reeds, ate like vegan rabbits, prayed without ceasing, never judged and didn’t fight with their spouses and children. Especially not their children.
I fantasized that when I had established an unshakable meditation and yoga practice that I would always speak in calm, even tones and that I would never get ruffled, never raise my voice and certainly…. absolutely never yell. I believed only pure and healthy food would pass my lips, nourishing this holy temple the universe resided in, and that exercise would suddenly become fun and interesting.
The Reality of One Hundred Days of Meditation.
The truth is after one hundred days of meditation …I’m still messy. I’m still every single one of those things I mentioned up above and I still yell. I’ve grown up around my high-strung demonstrative Irish-Italian family for fifty years and I suspect it will take longer than one hundred days to completely lower the volume on my communication model.
The truth is that my authentic self has not suddenly morphed into the imaginary version of myself that I had been carrying around in my mind. I have not achieved a sense of nirvana or climbed a spiritual mountaintop only to stretch my arms out wide and shout to the clouds, “I have arrived!!!”
I am still little old slightly chubby, not even kind of fashionably dressed, fifty-three year old me, prone to yelling and fits of messy clutter.
But here is the gamechanger…
I have began a love affair with myself. And one with you too. And everyone else. Because what One Hundred Days of Meditation DOES do, is it connects me deeply to this great river of truth that I can dip my soul into once, twice, often three times a day, and that truth is this:
We are all inexplicably connected, One Spirit, One Heart, One Great Breath that runs in and out and between all of us. I can not pretend to love God and the Universe and not love myself. I can not pretend to love myself and not love you. I can not love you without loving me. I can not love me without loving God. There is no difference. It is ALL THE SAME THING.
Love is all there is, there is nothing more, nothing less, no goal greater, no goal of less importance then focusing every breath you take, all of your business plans, your life plans and your creative art on that one thought.
Oh yeah, then there is just this one other thing.
Since we are human, we get to screw that up. All the f-ing time, all day long. We yell, we forget, we get scared, we judge, we manipulate, control, we binge eat, we get lazy, we hide… we find countless other ways to fall “Out of Love.”
So there is forgiveness. Not because God needs to forgive us, but more so we can remember that Love is really the only important thing again. So we forgive ourselves for “Falling Out of Love” And we go back in…until we fall back out of love again. And the cycle continues.
That’s the game changer. Meditation helps me stay “In Love” longer, so I am “Out of Love” less.
So I still yell.
But not so much anymore.
Lisa Hines says
Wendi, This post led me on a journey with you, as if I was in your pocket. When you wrote about love, it really expanded the love within me, hiding in the back corner of my being under a blanket. It felt like I was removing the clutter around my own sense of love: an empty box, a ripped envelope, and various pillows. Then, there it was. The universal flow of love which you so eloquently wrote about, shining in and around me, connecting me to you across the miles. Thank you for dancing into my day, like a butterfly touching all the flowers to light them up.
Lisa Hines\’s last post… Get Out of Wonky Mode
Wendi Kelly says
That IS the miracle isn’t? That we ARE connected. That simply, across the miles, never apart. By a caring thought, by a prayer, by a shared belief…by love.
The great connector.
Thanks for dancing back into mine too.
Many hugs and much, much love.
Rachel Resnick says
Wendi! Of course you’re Irish-Italian. LOVE this 100 days of meditation. What discipline and such a tribute to your character — creative ADHD and all. So appreciate how you let it all hang out. Claim the flaws, the stumbling, along with the love. Isn’t that the unconditional? The river of truth you speak of so eloquently? I often tell my clients when they falter — you WILL fall in and out of love with your story. Your writing. It’s your job to know that, and to keep falling back in love. The same goes for ourselves — allowing for that shifting. That patience. Always returning to the heart and the embrace — of ourselves, of the cosmos. Thanks for your honesty, authenticity, your rawness — and for setting and example we can actually follow. Deep curtsy from Topanga Canyon, California!