Collecting Words of Wisdom
August 29, 2008
I believe I have mentioned before that my mother is one of the wisest women I know. You may feel that way about your mother as well. Or your grandmother. Fathers and Grandfathers too I suppose, there is no gender bias intended here at all. It just happens to be that for me, I often feel as if I should be following my mother around with pen and paper, collecting the little pearls that drop unwittingly out of her mouth when she opens her mouth to speak.
She is after all the hometown originator of CAN and WILL and BELIEVE. Although, as I have mentioned in a previous post, I had to go and pay good money to someone else to really understand the wisdom of those words. Sometimes when a Mother speaks, it takes awhile for the children to grow up enough to learn to listen.
I’m old enough now to unashamedly think my mother is brilliant. ( Yes, that makes me a grandmother, no reason for you to bring that up.)
This morning, speaking with my mother on the phone, we were discussing the subject of self-respect and the puzzlement of why a certain otherwise intelligent, creative, successful woman had such difficulty meeting nice men. I could hear my mother breath out an exasperated breath on the phone before she exclaimed somewhat impatiently, “Well, where does she meet them? You gonna find a mink coat in the Five and Dime?”
Words to live by indeed. In fact, words she had raised me by. ( ahem…it took me awhile to listen to that one too.)
My mother sees the world in interesting pictures. It has behooved me to finally listen. Just a few of her words of Wisdom include:
You want to be treated like a diamond, don’t act like a stone.
Your mother may love you but no one else has to. Be nice or be lonely.
The only thing CAN’T ever did was sit down and DIE.
People who are bored are boring. Find something that interests you and you will become interesting to others.
She has many, many others. I have decided I really do need to follow her around and collect them up into a book of Wisdom Tidbits from Mothers. We really should pay more attention.
Mothers aren’t the only ones out there spewing out fountians of brillaint advice. We could save ourselves SO MANY HOURS, DAYS, MONTHS MAYBE YEARS if we would learn from others instead of being the hard-headed ( um..me..)types who felt the need to re-invent all of the mistakes by ourselves (OK. myself then) Some of the ones I wish I had paid more attention to on the younger side of life rather then on the Wack On the Side of the Head side of Life are:
Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues, but the parent of all the others.
~Cicero
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire.
~Fred Shero
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great.
~Mark Twain
If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.
~Mother Teresa
Until you are happy with who you are, you will never be happy with what you have.
~Zig Zigler
Affirmation without discipline is the beginning of delusion.
~Jim Rohn
Life is Difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. One we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it- then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.
~M. Scott Peck, MD
OK, now it is your turn. What have you learned from others, or your own journeys through life that you would like to add to our Words of Wisdom? It can be from your own parents, friends or favorite quotes. How about your own Fountain of Advice? I’m all ears, and ready to listen. Let’s chat!
Wide-Eyed Walking
August 27, 2008
I made a promise yesterday that I would spend some time this week being focused on being more aware of my environment. I made that promise to Lance, our friend who comments here, and who is the author of a wonderful blog called the The Jungle of Life. If you haven’t met Lance or read his blog yet, I would encourage you to stop by and say hello and check it out. His Aug 25th Post What Are We Missing? was very inspiring and provoked me to spend the entire day yesterday as I went about my daily round with my eyes more in tune with my environment and the world around me.
Lance is right. So often I am rushing through the world, list in hand, time clicking by with less time than list available. As I cross things off, I am often aware that what I am mostly missing is more time. More time to get everything done that I want to get done, More time to spend with my kids, more time to spend with my grandchildren , more time to just talk, more time to relax.
Yesterday was my daughter’s last day before the start of a new school year. There was plenty to do. It was also the day of driving her and my grandchildren to their activities. It was also grocery shopping day. One would think I could have picked a more interesting day to accept Lance’s challenge then the humdrum tasks of a housewife’s errand day.
Then I realized it was the perfect day. The type of day that I might just normally exist in because there is nothing extraordinary about it at all. Nothing to look forward to besides an endless task list that will never see the bottom of the page. If I could keep my eyes focused on my surroundings and my environment and the world at large during errand day, I could do it every day.
The challenge was on.
The first observation hit me square between the eyes before I left my living room. In the quiet room where I do my planning, journaling and reading, I sat making out my lists for the days errands. Taking a moment to look, eyes alert and and asking…”What am I missing? ” My eyes settled on to the area on top of our Piano. Over time, it has become a hot spot of homeless Nick knacks and half melted candles that had worn out their welcome in more attractive areas of the home. Rather than the cosy cottage look that the piano once sported it now looked like the last refuge before the dumpster.
Had I not seenthis before? I suppose the gathering had been happening over time, one Nick knack at a time until the accumulation had reached critical mass. I just hadn’t noticed it. Needless to say, the entire mismatched collection has found it’s new home in the dumpster and goodwill pile and there is now one very nice vase gracing the top of the piano.
Had that been the extent of the experiment, I would have considered it a smashing success. I am not a fan of sneaky clutter. It however, is a fan of me and anything that helps me get rid of it is a huge win!
Onward and outward into the day, my daughter and I went about our shopping. I made it a point to be aware of the perfect blue sky, the gentle breeze and temperature that hovered in the mid seventies, crisp and clean. I rolled down the car window and took the time to slow down and really enjoy it. There won’t be very many of those days left before the Midwest winds come rushing through the trees removing the leaves from their branches.
I made it a point to be fully present. To fully listen to my daughter as she talked to me rather than just checking off lists in my mind. We laughed and chatted and had a very nice day and somehow the time, which there never seems to be enough of, felt as if it was slowing down for us to enjoy our last day together. A gift. Same chores, yet done with more awareness, turned into a gift with each other.
Soon it was time to take her and my granddaughter to their class and to pick up my grandson. I watch him on Wednesdays for a few hours. The challenge was to spend that time being fully aware at the grocery store with him.
I realized after a few minutes in the store with him that I had never paid attention to being in the store with him before at all. In the past I had just ran in quickly and ran right back out. He tagged along quietly because he is a well behaved awesome little kid who causes no trouble. It’s easy to ignore a little guy like that. So yesterday I SLOWED DOWN. I strolled. I asked him questions. I asked him what he liked, what his favorite foods were, what he didn’t like, what he was thinking about going to school today, and he told me. We had a chat. A nice long chat. He helped me put some things in the cart, he helped me find a few things I was looking for. We had a good time. As we turned the corner by the check out counter, he said, Oh Grandma Wendi, look at those beautiful red and purple and pink flowers. They would be beautiful in your kitchen.”
I turned and looked at them. He was right. The flowers were stunning and I had walked right past them. I put them in my cart. Flowers for Grandma Wendi from my grandson.
Works for me. They are beautiful in the kitchen. The boy has a good eye.
At night before bed, John and I took a glass of wine out to the jacuzzi and sat outside and enjoyed the last official night of summer before the kids go back to school. The last night before school routines and homework and early bedtimes. I leaned my head back, took a deep breath and breathed in the cool night air. I thought about the day and all I had noticed and how just the simple fact of being more aware had slowed down time and made the day more enjoyable and made the interactions with family more fun. I looked up at the sky and found it filled with bright shining stars.
I sat for awhile and just watched them as if I had all the time in the world. Peaceful and relaxed. I made a mental note to tell Lance thank you for a really great day.
Thanks Lance. You made a difference.
So now I am passing on Lance’s challenge to all of you. Take the time to go out and be fully aware. Fully focused. See what you have been missing. If you feel like it, let us know what it was like. Tell us here or write about it!
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Anniversary Stew
August 25, 2008
I was young and dumb.
I am older and wiser now. Much older. In order to have a Golden anniversary, We’ll have to stay married AND alive until I’m 97. I’m hoping…but I’m not holding my breath.
Instead, I celebrate each day, each month, and now, each year as if the magic that we are still together is absolutely incredible. Because I’ve learned that it is. We have a great relationship. Not great in the sense that it is all fairy tales and roses. More great in the sense that we know that it is work and can’t be taken for granted. That there are a variety of things that go into making a marriage work and they all have to be thrown into the Stew-pot and then must be watched carefully and stirred often…
Or things are gonna get burned.
There are a lot of different ingredients that make up a good relationship. Everyone has their different opinions on what that is. In our case, We have a have a partnership where we do projects together in the community. We work well together. That’s how we met. He is my best friend. I trust him with promises and hopes and dreams. I value his integrity. He’s still my boyfriend that I love to go on dates with, laugh with and talk to until the wee hours of the night. We play well together and have a lot of mutual hobbies in common… We parent our children together well. And when things slip…we settle in for a good long chat until all the spices and ingredients are blending together again into a balanced and yet flavorful stew.
I’ve been looking at all of our wedding pictures today. Remembering all of the fun and all of the work that went into making that one day so very special. One year ago today we had a great, great day. Beautiful weather, our dearest friends, dancing until wee hours of the night, great food and memories that will last a lifetime. A great start to a great year. A great year that is still…just a beginning…to just another day…that we will have to keep on stirring the pot just like the day before.
Because every single day matters. Wedding days are wonderful. Anniversary days are special. But the days that mean the most are the ones that are snuggled in between. The ones that are taken for granted as just one day more. The pot stirring days of just keeping it all going, one day at a time.
In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.
~Anthony Robbins
The thing that I feel most grateful about this first year was that it wasn’t taken for granted. We didn’t settle. We stirred, we tasted, we added new ingredients, stirred some more and kept on tasting all the time to be sure we like what we have. We kept that pot simmering and never let it burn.
There are a lot of pots in our lives that need to be taken care of and stirred. Not just the marriage pot. That happens to be the one on my mind today as we celebrate our special day. But you have your own. I refer to them as frog pots. If you don’t pay attention to them the water gets cold and you get nothing. And as Tony Robbins points out it is the daily persistent focused attention that is going to make the difference between success or stagnation.
What’s in your pot these days? What are you doing with them?
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Sandcastle Promises
August 20, 2008
Above my desk, hanging from ribbons, are two bronze medals that are mine. One is a medal for a woman’s triathlon and the other is for a marathon that I completed with a group of supportive friends. The medals hang there to remind me that with perseverance, commitment to my goals, and hard work I can do whatever I set out to do. The Olympics these last few weeks have been a fresh reminder of how difficult it can be to get us where we need to be.
Sometimes it seems like it’s just too dang much work.
Anyone that knows me can tell you that I am no athlete. A high school accident left me with a serious back injury that I contend with every day. I am asthmatic and have other health issues to go along with that. I am not one of the blessed ones who were gifted with natural thinness. I battled the weight monster down to the tune of 50 pounds off and have to fight each pound that tries to creep its way back on. I have all the built in excuses at my fingertips to take a magazine and some Bon bons and head over to the comfy sofa and gain another hundred pounds if I wanted to….
I don’t.
But there are days…oh there are the days. And we all have them. It doesn’t take a serious anything to make us all want to pull the covers over our heads and not want to face the day. Not want to keep our commitments and promises and cross off the things on our TO DO list. But on all but the very worst, barring the stomach flu perhaps, we trudge out of bed and at least cross of the things that we promised to do for everyone else.
But wait…whispers a tiny voice in the back of our heads. Weren’t you going to start a new running program today? (Or new diet, new eating plan, new bike, or whatever you promised yourself)
Yes, you tell yourself defeated, but I’m too tired, I’ll start tomorrow…or maybe Monday.
I am very familiar with this conversation. I have had it with myself off and on all of my life.
So…how was I able to complete a triathlon (considering I could barely swim before I started training) and finish a 26.2 mile marathon?
I realized that every time I was telling myself “maybe tomorrow” that I was punching holes in my own self esteem that I couldn’t fill back up. I was making promises to myself that I wasn’t keeping and letting myself down. I tried to imagine the looks on my kids faces if I did that to them over and over, again day after day, month after month and what it would eventually do to their faith and trust in me. It would become as eroded as a sandcastle on a beach. Swept away with nothing to show for it. My word would be nothing.
And it had become true. When I would say “Monday I’ll start a diet” my subconscious didn’t believe it long enough to make it til lunch before the first cookie had slipped down the chute without permission. When I said “I’m going to run a mile every day” The first few steps that winded me I slowed down, turned around and went back in. I was a wimp.
Here’s the funny thing. My word was good for everyone else. I had integrity to others. Just not myself. I had no PERSONAL integrity. I just wasn’t that important. After twenty something years of being a mother, a daughter and for a large part of that - a wife, my needs had faded into the old paint.
I had to make a commitment to treat myself with the same integrity that I treated others with and settle for NOTHING LESS. I had to hold myself accountable.
And this above all unto thine own self be true
and it shall follow as the day the night-
thou canst not then be false to any man
~William Shakespeare
I didn’t start by saying “By golly, I need some Personal Integrity. I think I’ll create a Big Hairy Bodacious Goal and run a Marathon.” My subconscious would have laughed me out of town and created an ulcer in defense. (My subconscious thinks it’s smarter than me.) I had to be more subtle about it. I needed a stealth plan. So instead I said,”This week I am going to get up every day and run for 10 minutes and put a gold star on the calendar.” Ten minutes wasn’t so bad and I looked forward to putting that star on there. By the third day those stars were lining up nicely and so when I was getting rather tired, the idea of have a blank space where that star should be didn’t sound so good. Up I got. Out I went to run. I ran for stars. It didn’t take much to slowly increase the time.
Soon I realized I wasn’t running for stars anymore. I don’t even remember when I realized that I had stopped putting the stars on the calendar and had started looking forward to running and felt the pride of doing something special for myself. The feeling of knowing I was keeping my word.
That confidence blossomed and expanded until it grew into the amazing experiences that I wouldn’t trade for a lifetime.
Watching the Olympics has reminded me that once again I have been allowing a few other goals to stand in the way of my physical exercise. For some people this is a luxury. For me, it’s a necessity and something I can’t stray too far away from if I want to maintain my health. So…back to getting out my stars…and making some new goals.
How about you? What goals and promises are you working on for yourself these days? How will you hold yourself accountable?
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For the Love of Words
August 18, 2008
“You can approach the act of writing with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness, or even despair - the sense that you can never completely put on the page what’s in your mind and heart. You can come to the act with your fists clenched and your eyes narrowed, ready to kick ass and take down names. You can come to it because you want a girl to marry you or because you want to change the world. Come to it any way but lightly. Let me say again: you must not come lightly to the blank page.”
~ Stephen King, On Writing
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about words. How words affect our daily lives. That probably isn’t too surprising for a writer -and an avid reader-who emmerses herself in writing and books as many hours of the day as she can squeeze in. I’m currently reading Stephen King’s book On Writing. His point-quoted above - about coming to the blank page seriously resonates within me. Once written, words live on forever, especially now in the world of computers. We have a responsibility to be careful with what we send out into the world. Words affect people. They can hurt, help, entertain, inform, encourage, transport love or carry hate to the corners of the earth.
Sometimes we fire off our words like a weapon carelessly loaded, not very well aimed. We regret it when they splatter the target but it’s hard to take them back. Hard to erase what’s already been written. Hopefully we learn to be more careful with what we put out with our weapons the mighty pen and keyboard.
Sometimes we won’t put pen to paper out of fear of not having the exact right words. We have a respect for the written word alright. So much so that the page stays blank and no words ever get written at all. Our opinion is silent. Our words go unheard. Our thoughts lost among the chatter of others braver than ourselves. The fear is palatable. The pain of being invisible time and time again is worse.
Sometimes we DO get the words down that we wanted to say. Then we wait for the approval. The acceptance that we so desperately seek but are afraid to admit to. That we don’t want to have to ask for. The torture of knocking on doors, selling our writing. The fear of rejection and public disgrace is part of the job of writing…no one said it was going to be easy.
Is it any wonder that Hallmark has already written cards that all you have to do is sign your name to without having to take a chance at having to write even a single sentence? Is it any wonder that sock drawers and underwear drawers all across the world are filled with half completed novels and stories going nowhere?
The written word is powerful and can be frightening. Announcing the intent to call yourself a writer or to say you are writing a book or that you plan to earn your living writing ( especially on-line) will get you a good number of sideways glances and condescending looks. Even from people who mean well. It takes a great deal of resolve to get up every day and face the pen and keyboard in the face of adversarial stress from the words themselves and their human counterparts.
How then do writers face the morning ready to take on the challenge of the written word?
For me, love conquers all. Sounds silly but it’s the closest I can come to an honest answer. I write because I have a passion to write and I have been writing since I was a small child. Writing is how I express myself and let my true emotions come forth. Sometimes I find that words get stuck in my throat and won’t make it out of my mouth, but they will find their way out of my pen or keyboard. Once I’ve seen what I have written, then I can get a true handle on what I really feel.
When writing fiction, I realized a long time ago that I have no idea what my characters are going to do until they tell me on the page. It’s as much of a surprise for me as it is to my readers. I think if I didn’t write I would fill up with steam until I burst. I have no choice in the matter at all. So, the obstacles are something I have to overcome. I try to be very careful to be honest in my writing, to protect the privacy of others and never try to offend anyone. As far as the fear, the rejection and the looks, I am doing my best to ignore it. I have to write. It isn’t an option to me.
How about you? How do you handle the written word? The need to be careful with what you have written so as not to offend anyone, the writer’s block, the fear of rejection, the sideways glances, the ones who think you should keep (or get) your day job?
How do you deal with your love affair with words?
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The Habit of Winning
August 15, 2008
No one is perfect, but boys, making the effort to be perfect…is what life is all about…If you’ll not settle for anything less than the best, you will be amazed at what you can do with your lives.
~Vince Lombardi
This morning I woke up with that quote on my mind. It ran through my head in the background of my thoughts the way an annoying pop song will get lodged in there sometimes. Only today as I stood in front of the coffee pot, empty cup in hand, it was Vince-growling in my head- yammering on and on and on until I finally had to pay attention to him.
“What are you doing in my head?” I asked. “Why are you bothering me? Why don’t you be quiet and let me drink my coffee?”
A few sips of the black hot liquid and with journal and pen in hand, the answer to my questions started to ebb into my brain. It was all Steph’s fault and Brett’s fault and James’s fault and their round robin Blog discussion of Buzz Lightyear which lead to Faking It which lead to comments from Steph about perfectionism on her blog In Other Words in the comment section. All the rest of the day yesterday I mulled over some of the comments on her blog. Striving to be perfect, the dangers of trying to be perfect, how trying to be perfect can actually help us to strive to improve and be our best. Check it out. It was very thought-provoking. I should know. It provoked me.
Ahhh, perfectionism…my old nemesis. Vince Lombardi. The ultimate perfectionist. No wonder he was up there floating around, preaching at me, nagging at me, haunting me from the rafters.
I got up from my morning coffee, reached over to the bookshelf and pulled out my worn down copy of Winning is a Habit. It is a small book filled entirely of quotes by Vince Lombardi on everything from winning to success, faith, racism, football and business. One hundred and forty pages of straight from the mouth Vince Lombardi words of wisdom. And he doesn’t mince them. The Green Bay Packer Football Coach had an ability to motivate and drive men to succeed in such a way that has made him a legend for all time. He was hard, uncompromising and tough when it came to giving anything less than everything you had.
We…shall play every game to the hilt with every ounce of fiber we have in our bodies.
Vince understood that Winners were in the habit of acting like winners. That winning is an attitude, a frame of mind, a behavior, a level of commitment and perseverance and yes…a drive and a desire to be the very best player on the field. Of striving for perfection in everything you do.
When we talk about being a perfectionist it is often as a negative thing. Something that needs to be fixed in our character. Sometimes it is. When the need to be perfect is so intense that it freezes a person to inaction instead of action, it has gone too far. When you won’t start a brilliant idea because you know it will never turn out as perfect as it is in the safety of your imagination then your perfectionism is a handicap to your creativity and your inventiveness. When you are constantly in the pattern of sabotaging yourself right before the big day, the shining moment, or crossing the finish line…look in the mirror and see if you can find the twin fears of failure and success staring back at you. They are the children of perfectionism.
But then again…Vince Lombardi didn’t take the Green Bay Packers to the Super Bowl by saying “Let’s all play good football here, Let’s do a good job and see how it goes.” OH NO. He said:
I’m going to tell you the facts, gentleman, and the facts are these: At Green Bay, we have winners. We do not have losers. If you are a loser, mister, you’re going to get your ass out of here right now. Gentleman, we are paid to win. Gentlemen, we will win.”
Losing wasn’t an option. Settling for anything less than the very best wasn’t an option. It was unthinkable. Not giving 110% wasn’t allowed. 100% wasn’t good enough. That was for other teams. Teams that weren’t destined for greatness. Not good enough for Vince Lombardi.
They call him a legend. They call him a hero. Certainly not by everyone though. He was criticized for being too tough, too hard. Some say that those days are gone now in our society. You can’t talk that way, can’t *treat* people the way that coaches like Lombardi or even Ditka talked to their players. People can’t be expected to live up to those kind of standards. We’ve lowered the bar, lowered our expectations about what we expect.
We settle. Often. We go for good enough when nothing short of the very best we have to offer is going to make the dream happen. Then we wonder why our feet are still on the ground.
I’m no different. In some things I race after the target full speed ahead charging for the mark with all engines firing at full speed. Don’t get in my way when I’m that focused. You might get run over. But in other areas of life I am lolly-gagging all over the place and disappointed with the results. I can do a better job at giving my very best effort in everything I do. Not just some of the things.
Maybe that’s why the conversations yesterday stuck with me and followed me around all day. Maybe I see areas that I have been settling in. I need to kick it up a notch. Maybe that’s why I woke up with Vince Lombardi haunting me in my head. I need to get back in the winning habit. Focus on excellence and strive to be the very best I can be in every facet of my life.
The quality of any man’s life has got to be a full measure of that man’s personal commitment to excellence and victory, regardless of what field he may be in.
I think I’ve got the message. Can I have my brain back now Vince? It’s getting loud in here with both of us yakking so much.
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