There are very few things that can separate us from happiness and success as quickly and effectively as resentment and anger. And yet, despite our most glorious dreams, goals and desires, we hold on to our battle scars and wounded hearts, pointing almost deliriously to those who cause us pain as the excuse for all of our discomfort.
We tell our worn and repeated stories to anyone who will sit through them. We wear the shield of injury like a badge of courage against change and growth. We hold it up against the light as an explanation as to why our lives couldn’t ever be different, ever grow… why we alone are the ones who couldn’t hold the golden ring of happiness within our grasp.
It’s all HER fault. HIS too.
And we are saved from taking responsibility for the life we were brought here to travel. We have a champion we can hate enough to bear the banner. The only banner we must carry is the one labeled VICTIM.
And then someone casually mentions that there is a way out.
We could forgive. We could let go. We could hold them in the light of love, wish them well with God’s blessing and walk away.
But the first thought that flashes through our angry minds is, “No way in hell am I giving them the satisfaction of forgiving them. They don’t deserve it.”
Let me share a radical concept with you. Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has nothing to do with what they do or do not deserve, or understand or even have asked for.
It has to do with you, your heart, your healing and your well-being. It has to do with your relationship with God, Spirit, The Universe…whatever name you meet your creator by. It has to do with your hopes, your dreams and your ability to step into your own personal power and future.
It is for you and only you. It is a selfish, self-fulfilling, self-fixing cure. Your monster may never even be aware of your forgiveness because they may never bother to tap into the Well of Spiritual Connectivity where we all reside with God. If they don’t, your secret will be safely kept.
And if they do….they won’t be your monster anymore anyhow. They will have already been profoundly changed by that miracle of forgiveness into someone that would be easy for you to forgive.
Don’t do it for them. Do it for your own self-healing.
Marianne Williamson, in The Law of Divine Compensation puts it profoundly like this:
We forgive, then, out of self-interest. I forgive you because I want out of my pain. I forgive you so that I can be free of what you did. I see beyond your mistake to the love in you so that I can see beyond the mistake to the love in me- because only then can I have a miracle.
Aren’t you worth being set free? Don’t you deserve it? Haven’t you had enough pain? There is a way to set yourself free and heal the separation.
Open your heart and forgive.
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Pamela Wills says
Wendi, it’s like you can see right down into my soul!!!
This: “Forgiveness has nothing to do with them.”
I KNOW this to be true! I KNOW you are RIGHT! Yet I am still working on that piece of my healing journey. I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be and it will come when it comes. I appreciate the reminder nonetheless.
Do you think it can happen little by little, instead of all at once, this forgiveness thing?…
Pamela Wills\’s last post… What’s Your Plan?
Wendi Kelly says
In fact, I know from my own experiences that it does happen, not even little by little but incrementally. But the first step is to being willing, and to opening our heart to the process. The Divine has the ability to change our hearts, but only, only if we give our permission first. It’s up to us to let the Divine start the process.
Good luck with the journey, we all are on one.
Pamela Wills says
Thanks, Lisa. I see that the incremental thing is happening for me. Slow but steady! xoxo
Pamela Wills\’s last post… What’s Your Plan?
Lisa Hines says
Forgiveness is such a hot topic for many. I have had friends and clients ask me how to begin the forgiveness process. It seems that when one is in the throes of anger and despair, it is difficult to re-focus their energies back on to themselves. It also seems as though time is needed in some of the healing when one isn’t willing to see their own process. What do you suggest to those that can’t see past the blame?
Lisa Hines\’s last post… The Journey of Inner Healing
Rita Hickman says
To respond to your question, Lisa, for me, it is about allowing. I believe, when we allow ourselves to feel whatever is happening, it can move through us, it is allowed to naturally change. When I try to speed up my process to move past the discomfort, it negatively impacts me indefinitely. To me, forgiveness (and thus empathy) comes as a natural side-effect of living a full emotional life, without judgementalism even for my own judgementalism. In my life, trying to forgive is very difficult and forgiving is very easy. Now the trick is remembering this when I’m in the mood to be be unforgiving, to avoid creating further challenges in my life.
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Deanna Fenton says
I have been a big believer in “Forgiveness has nothing to do with them, it has EVERYTHING to do with you”. It is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and the greatest opportunity for self realization and self-love. Thank you, Wendi for this wonderful reminder.
Deanna Fenton\’s last post… Hacking, Malware and Mischief – Oh My!
Kerry Swetmon says
Love this post, Wendi. I wish I could read it to my younger self: As I’ve aged, I don’t have too many issues with this, but I know lots of people who do. It’s a tough, tough lesson for so many and it breaks my heart to see people I love trying to live while hanging on to the wrongs of their past. Thank you for spreading your light:)
Kerry Swetmon\’s last post… Above the Clouds
Miriam Wiener says
Wendi, your post brings up a lot of emotion for me. On the one hand, I feel disappointed that in our “me-first” culture many will not forgive unless “there’s something in it for me”… Selfishness is everywhere, and even in terms of forgiveness, we’ll want to see it from a “WII – FM” perspective – what’s in it for me?
But on the other hand, I’ve learned in Judaism that even when our motivation for doing a mitzvah (good deed) is selfish, it doesn’t matter – you still do it, because the mere ACT of DOING IT has the power to raise your frequency and bring you to a level where you’ll eventually do it for the right reason.
We forgive to receive miracles in our own life (selfish) – but by doing it this way at first, we’ll eventually arrive at a level to forgive simply because it’s the right thing to do.
Thanks for a riveting post 🙂
Miriam Wiener\’s last post… Do you have these symptoms?
Mia Rose says
‘It is for you and only you.’ Wise words indeed, my friend! Thank you for a wonderful reminder of the importance of setting yourself free.
Mia Rose\’s last post… How to Play Your Way to Joy
Jennifer Bourn says
Truly a perfect way to look at forgiveness. You’re doing yourself a gift by freeing yourself of negativity. It IS all about you and NOT about them … great reminder!
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