This week we are exploring ways to get our expectations to match our results. I’ve started this post a handful of times because there are so many different ways that we can change our behavior to improve our results that I have hardly known which direction to land on.
But one behavior keeps floating to the surface more so than any other behavior we practice and that is the behavior of communication. In the Inspired Studio this week, I wrote about the Art of Listening. But there is another side of the communication coin that is equally important.
It’s great when a person is committed to really listening to you.
However, we would make a listener’s job a lot easier if we all would start telling the truth.
I realize that sounds a little harsh. I don’t mean to start pointing fingers and calling everyone a liar. I don’t think we mean to tell big whopping lies. Most of us have the integrity to avoid that. The problem is when our “little white lies”, that we tell so that we don’t offend anyone, get to be such a habit that we fail to share what we really feel and think.
Then we are surprised, saddened and offended when nobody gives us what we want. We wish to be authentic, we wish to be heard and we wish to have our lives match our desires and expectations and we have no idea how to start getting that to happen.
It’s simple. Tell the Truth. All… the…time.
But I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feeelings…
I don’t want anyone to get maaad at me…
I don’t want anyone to think I am wroooong…or even worse, strange…..
How’s that working for us?
The truth is, it’s not.
When we care more about sparing somebody’s feelings more than speaking the truth, we do a disservice to both us…and them.
- We put them in a situation of having to guess what our true needs and wishes are.
- We put the responsibility of our daily happiness on others. ( and that never works)
- We put ourselves in the situation of playing mental head games, using manipulative behavior such as passive-aggressive and martyr actions.
- We pout.
- We procrastinate on taking any action at all because we are resentful at not having what we want.
- We become indecisive because we are afraid to say what we really mean and we don’t want to commit to anything else.
- We drive our friends and family crazy. ( Even when they won’t tell us the truth and say that.)
- We lose our tempers and finally scream out the truth, causing calamity in our wake.
Wouldn’t it be easier to just say what we mean and mean what we say? It would, but honestly, many of us have forgotten how to do that. Telling the Truth for them is complicated, scary and feels risky.
How to Become a Truth Talker
Listen to Yourself. It’s hard to tell the truth when we don’t even know what the truth is for ourselves. Many of us have gotten into a habit of discounting our own feelings and needs so much that we aren’t in tune to what they even are. We can’t tell the truth, because we don’t know what the truth IS! Take time each day, and in each situation to ask yourself, “What do I really feel and think about this?” You might be surprised.
Speak without Blame or Judgement. When you do figure out what it is, use the I and MY words. Take responsibly for your thoughts and needs and keep the finger pointed at you. “I need to pay more attention to my need for sleep this week, so I will be going to bed early. I won’t be able to join you for that late-night party tonight.” Using this kind of language keeps the focus on you and doesn’t make them feel guilty, as opposed to blaming them for your behavior like in this example: You always want to stay up too late and that makes me overtired and exhausted.”
Practice Serenity. Knowing when to speak is just as important as what to speak. Making sure you are in a place of calm, rational awareness will help you choose your truth words carefully and thoughtfully. Speaking the truth when you are overtired, angry or frustrated may not be the best timing. There is nothing wrong with saying, “I can’t speak about that right this minute. I need to get back to you a little later.
Remember the Compliments. Being a Truth Talker isn’t a practice of only speaking up when you have something to complain about. It’s about speaking the truth on the good things too! Look for opportunities to share the good things you enjoy and let people know what is really working for you. Be verbal and appreciative at every opportunity.
Being a Truth Talker can be as much of a lifetime habit as avoiding the truth. It takes focus, effort and personal responsibility. It takes courage and faith to believe that the people who love you can handle the truth and will still love you.
But if you want your results to start matching your hopes and dreams, it’s the easiest way you will ever get there. Isn’t that worth it?
